The Accidental King of Achoo

“I brought hot sauce made from jalapeno peppers that I grew in my garden,” said Mikro, who loved hot sauce and carried it wherever she went. A petite, blonde woman, she was wiry and active. Mikro cared deeply about the women and children in the village, and she was always the first to volunteer when someone needed help. She loved writing and had amassed stacks of letters and diary entries written over many years. * * * * * Orgizo Abadon, with his quirky, blond topknot and bloated, sunburned face, smiled and laughed louder than anyone else at the celebration. However, no one noticed when he left early. Even though he had not participated in the run, Orgizo hated to see someone else getting attention or awards instead of him. Few people knew that he was so bitter. They saw him as charismatic and powerful. Only those closest to him were aware that ever since he was a young child, Orgizo had hated to lose. If someone beat him, he argued that the game had been rigged. His family was privileged and had taught him that he was better, and thus deserved more, than other people. * * * * * * The villagers wanted a debate. They wanted to see Mikro and Orgizo meet together on the stage. Mikro agreed quickly, and Orgizo felt pressured into agreeing, although no one was sure if he would actually show up at the appointed time. Noimon and Pandora were selected to ask them questions. When the date arrived, both candidates were on time and the debate began. Pandora focused her questions on Mikro’s diary, raising one false claim after another. Mikro stayed high, answering the questions without hesitation. While she was talking, Orgizo paced the stage and finally stood right behind Mikro, towering over her like a stalker. His expression was hard and angry. When it was his turn, he sniffed and snorted the whole time while answering. “How do you feel about the Hatters?” Noimon asked. “They are so strange to wear those scarves. When I am king, they will all be put out of the valley, and I will build a wall to keep them out forever.” Orgizo sniffed and blew his nose into his hand, which he then wiped on Noimon’s shirt. Noimon grimaced and the audience booed. “What is your relationship to Despotis?” “I barely know the man. He’s a total stranger to me. I can tell you that!” “You two seem to spend a lot of time together. How can you call him a stranger?” “This is rigged. She answered the questions so well because you gave her the answers ahead of time. Crooked Mikro!” Stepping down from the stage, Mikro was all smiles as she greeted the audience. Orgizo pouted and stomped off to go home and write bird-mails to his supporters. The following day, pigeons flew from morning to night, and the short messages were posted on the community bulletin board for all to read: “I won! She’s crooked! I will make Achoo great again! She cheated! Lying Mikro! Covfefe! Toady! I wouldn’t grab her pussy.” Mikro met with her supporters. “He’s dangerous. I thought he was going to punch me when he loomed over me like a psychopathic monster.” “All the villagers noticed his odd behavior,” Gynaika said. “I think he’s lost any chance of winning. Mikro, start preparing your acceptance speech.” “He’s a goner,” Dynami said. “I wonder what drugs he’s taking that cause him to act so strange. When this is finally over, at least I will not have to worry about Orgizo throwing me out of the valley because of my colored scarves. Hatters love being fancy.” Several weeks went by and the villagers continued their day-to-day lives. But anxiety built, and lifelong friendships ended over support for the future king. Mikro spent time visiting people in their homes, the park, or the pizzeria. She preferred small, intimate groups. “Of course we won’t plant sneeze trees near the village,” she assured people. “I care about your lives, and I live in the village, too.” “What about the beavers?” one woman asked. “They keep flooding our homes. Are you going to kill them?” “Oh, no! We can safely relocate them where they won’t cause any more problems,” said Mikro. “What about our health care?” asked another person. “Dr. Grigoros is so busy, and he’s getting old.” “I have a plan,” Mikro answered. “Dr. Grigoros will teach his medical skills to others, and our health care will be better than ever. I know how important that is to all of us.” “And women’s care?” asked another. “Women’s health care is a personal decision between a woman, her husband, and her doctor. My only opinion is that any woman’s choice—whether to have children, when, and how many—is private. I’m not going to get involved in that.” “What about throwing out dark-skinned people and Hatters?” “We have always lived peacefully together in the past, and I see no reason to change that,” said Mikro. “Everyone will stay, and we will not build a wall.” “A house divided against itself cannot stand,” Lincoln said. “We need to bring the people in this village together and defeat the evil. This feels like a civil war in our community.” Meanwhile, Orgizo loved his rallies. People cheer me! People love me! It’s too bad that Mom and Pop aren’t alive to see this. After all those years of thinking I would be a loser because of all the trouble I made, I have proved them wrong. I am the greatest. I will be the king for as long as I live, he thought. On stage, in front of his supporters, Orgizo shouted, “I can’t tolerate all the people who are different from us or who don’t support me. I will get rid of my enemies, starting with Mikro. I will build a cage and lock her up.” “Lock her up. Lock her up,” the crowd chanted. “I have an idea,” Orgizo continued. “We need to protect ourselves from our enemies. It might not be enough to banish them from the village and build a wall. We need a way to protect ourselves … But first, get those news reporters out of here. What I have to say is not for their ears. They are crooked, and they will twist my facts. I will send a bird-mail later to tell them the truth as I see it. Now, get rid of them!” Several of his bodyguards, men who were as big and tortured-looking as Frankenstein’s monster, grabbed the news reporters and sent them home, after first threatening their lives. “Now, friends, we are going to go to the dead land,” continued Orgizo. “We will bring back the uranium rocks that cause people to lose their hair and die. We will bring these rocks to the village to protect us from our enemies. We need an army to protect us. We’re going to build up our military, so big and so strong and so great that nobody is going to mess with us. We are going to have radioactive rocks in our homes and villages to protect ourselves. Let it be an arms race!” The villagers looked shocked, and many were terrified. “He’s going to destroy us and everything we have,” they whispered to each other. “If he gets his way, the whole world will be gone. The man is crazy. He’s dangerous,” they all agreed. “He must never win.”