The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman
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A gentleman never eats bow tie pasta while wearing a bow tie, unless his bow tie happens to be a piece of uncooked bow tie pasta.
A gentleman never wears the same pair of blue jeans twice. This is one of many reasons why life as a cowboy gentleman is harder than that of, say, a pirate gentleman or an aborigine gentleman.
A gentleman’s pants are always pleated except for that pair of pants he never wears because they are made out of poisonous radioactive materials.
If a gentleman’s pants are not pleated, he may iron pleats into his pants to give them a more pleated look. In case of an emergency, artificial pleats may be purchased at any 24-hour convenience store.
How to Order Wine All by Yourself
A gentleman orders the most expensive bottle of wine on the list, assuming that it has the best taste. If this wine is out of his price range, or if he is not fond of wine, he informs his dinner companions that they will be responsible for purchasing the evening’s wine. He then drinks a glass of his companions’ wine to show his respect for their taste in wine. As a general rule, red wines compliment red foods like tomatoes, red meat, and red corn. White wines generally go best with white foods like ice cream, cauliflower, and white corn. All foods that do not fit into these two color categories may be accompanied by a nice cola-type beverage or light champagne. When the gentleman’s wine arrives, the server presents it to him and allows him to read the bottle’s label. The gentleman pretends to do this. Then the gentleman is presented with the cork. Even if he’s read the wine’s label many times before, and even if he is allergic to cork and can’t smell it, this is all done slowly and ritualistically so everyone at the table will anticipate the wine even more. Finally, the server pours a few drops of wine into the gentleman’s glass. The gentleman swirls these drops around for a few seconds, counts backwards from 100 to 1, and tosses the glass over his left shoulder. Then and only then may the server retrieve a new glass for the gentleman and begin pouring the wine for everyone at the table. The server will leave the bottle on the table or in a decorative basket underneath the table. The gentleman is free to wait for the server to return and refill his glass or he may perform the duties of the server and dispense the wine himself, first to other tables and then to his own.
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About the Book
The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman might be the most irresponsible book written since The Bible. And a bible it is, in its own right, for the billions of men alive today who have no clue how to behave in public or private situations.
Drawing from literally thousands of his countless private journals and personal scribblings, author Sir Gentleman Brock LaBorde, Esquire, this century's self-proclaimed Master of Social Etiquette, painstakingly outlines his complex and erroneous guidelines for the impossible attainment of the ambiguous title of "gentleman".
Impolitely smearing the footsteps left by previous well-respected etiquette gurus, Gentleman Brock pompously dissects all aspects of a modern gentleman's life, including:
- Knowing when to mutilate yourself
- The proper way to burp the Pope
- Inviting yourself to parties
- Extreme handkerchief maintenance
- Dispensing needless advice to strangers
The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman is valuable for any man who wishes to learn how not to act in his everyday life. It is also valuable because a certain amount of paper, money, paper money, and other resources were used to print and distribute this book.
About the Author
As the co-founder of the wildly popular comedy website Studio8.net, Brock LaBorde has written and produced hours of sketch comedy, tons of commercials and ad campaigns for major brands, countless short films, a few comedy albums, hundreds of humorous articles, 2 books, and piles of feature film and television scripts. His work has been featured on Comedy Central's AtomTV, G4's Attack of the Show, and you've probably seen a few of his videos on the front pages of your favorite video websites. His first book, "The Semi-Complete Guide to Sort of Being a Gentleman," is being developed into a TV show. Currently, Brock is working on his third book, producing lots of TV/internet stuff, and lives as yet another drop in the piss-bucket of Hollywood's TV & film industry. As a stand-up, sketch performer, and improviser, he has played on stages all across America, and will continue to do so until he is banned from each and every one of them.