Discerning Bipolar Grace

Discerning Bipolar Grace: by Rich Melcher © 2009 Excerpts What is bipolar disorder? Previously called manic-depression, bipolar disorder is a hereditary chemical imbalance in the human brain that can cause dramatic mood fluctuations, and can also lead to cognitive, behavioral, physical and even spiritual abnormalities. All of this can make life difficult and highly unpredictable “Mania” is, as I see it, exactly the opposite of depression. It is identified by racing thoughts, high energy, over-creativity, over-blown symbolizing (where everything seems to connect for a common purpose) and a general belief that everything one does is right. In its advanced stages, self-righteous and self-justifying behaviors prevail! ******************************************** THIS is the danger of “fully-competent mania.” Great qualities—highly redeemable qualities—such as drive, resourcefulness, strength, will-power and foresight . . . all working towards a messed-up goal—solitude at all costs! In September 2008, I cleaned out or condo of all of my belongings in a single afternoon—while my wife was at work—loaded a moving van, drove 3 states east, found an affordable apartment, moved all my belongings into the second story flat, hooked up the phone, heat, electricity…mania of uncontrollable destructive force. ******************************************** After 29 years of experience with bipolar, and MANY MANY occasions (as I look back) where this alter-ego has come out of hiding, I only recently detected his existence. So I named him. I call this extreme manic alter-ego “Sham.” He is, in all actuality (as far as I can tell) a different entity than the person who is writing right now. I have come to understand that Sham is an the unleashed expression of years of unexpressed feelings: Anger, fear, disappointment, frustration, humiliation, self-pity—all rolled up into a rolling lead ball, spinning down and crushing anything in his way! He’s a bundle of the worst parts of me, exposed and in action. Allow me to describe Sham by using a computer analogy…when I am “normal,” I enjoy Rich-software (the healthy me) installed in the computer of my mind. When I become overwhelmed by bipolar mania, the software gets replaced with a Sham-program...different thoughts, different feelings, different behaviors. During all of 2008, my software was clicking in and out of separate Rich and Sham programs, often instantly and seemingly unprovoked! ************************************************ The fiercest torture was that I had no idea I had an illness, or that bipolar even existed! I thought I was just “a bad person” and must deserve this because I had “made bad choices” and was being punished. It was only made clear to me, many months later—after coming through the storm and being diagnosed with bipolar—that my mind had created most of these thought patterns and the feelings simply trailed behind them! Then, experiencing the negative feelings, the thoughts often followed this trail of negativity...then more bad feelings, and on and on. ***************************************************** Bipolar Disorder used to be called manic-depression, but I’m just going to refer to it as BIPOLAR. So, what exactly IS bipolar? Bipolar is a hereditary chemical imbalance in the human brain that can cause dramatic mood fluctuations and behavioral disturbances. Bipolar can affect brain function when the brain chemicals are not balanced. This balance determines how you think and feel—and therefore, how you act *************************************************** Ironically, it has been through my greatest screw-ups, my deepest illness and my most notorious moments of unawareness that I have discovered the pearls of compassion, self-validation, hopefulness and self-love . . . not to mention a newly unburied unconditional love for others I never knew I had before. It all seems to come down to one word—humility. I have been given the gift of a peaceful and abiding humility that I never thought possible before. When I begin to judge others or irritability slips in, they are warded off with the sword of strong but gentle humility. It’s a whole new world, and I’m grateful I’ve been given a second chance to experience it! *************************************************** Without proper medications to balance the brain chemicals, a person with bipolar can be left in a very dangerous situation. The fluctuations in mood can make life chaotic and very unpleasant. These fluctuations don’t usually happen every 10 minutes, or even every 10 hours. But there is such a thing called “mood swings” where the moods go between mania and depression uncontrollably. Mine usually take a number of days to swing—put they have been known to switch instantly, too. My mood swings occur when my medications are not balanced properly. ******************************************************* If we meet our challenges with a zest for adventure, we will gain even from our losses. Dynamics of Personal Motivation This has been one of the most challenging quotes I have ever encountered because it strikes to the core of my condition—whether it be bipolar, melancholy, lack of motivation or just LIFE. Often I don’t know why I experience the emotional states that I do. Many days, I’ll be feelin’ fine, then my day can quickly spin into an ugly little piece of depression. But one important thing I’ve recently come to know is that, in any downward spin, I can be assured that “this is a tendency, not a disposition”…that this mood (which is not produced by a chemical imbalance) is not ME...it is not my basic character, but a way of thinking and feeling that can be modified with a little insight and effort. ************************************************ Anger has a way of filtering down to every aspect of life. But when headed off at the pass—by expressing it assertively—anger’s energy can be transformed into compassion and hopeful responses. Recently, my wife Sandra and I were discussing what we would do if someone cut us off on the freeway. We both responded that we would probably call the person a jerk—or worse. Then I proposed that we not focus on the person but the behavior, and choose to exclaim...“that was a dangerous move!” or “what rude behavior!” We both admitted it would take a lot of work to switch attitudes because we wanted to avoid labeling—just as we didn’t want to hear others state “he’s a bipolar” or “she’s mentally ill.” ****************************************************** Bipolar is a cunning and devious taskmaster that, when unbalanced, can overcome an individual—either on the manic or depressed end of the spectrum. My own system has gone to the manic side three fourths of the time. Why? I don’t know...possibly a combination of brain chemistry, personality type, and/or past experiences. But I am grateful that, even with all the messiness of sliding toward the manic side so often, I rarely suffer from chronic depression. When in depression, those have been the absolute worst of times! ******************************************************** I often wonder how I could be so blessed to have come out of the steep dive I experienced in 2008, and rise higher than I ever have before. Now, I’m not experiencing a “manic rise,” a Sham-driven high, but a natural rise toward a more empowered self-image, a more optimistic viewpoint, and a stronger grasp on how to cultivate healthy relationships. This morning, I pulled a blue 20-year-old sweatshirt from my closet donning its old familiar quote by Joseph Campbell: Follow Your Bliss If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of a track that has been there the whole while, waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. Incredible timing! I needed to be reaffirmed that I am exactly