THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF A MARGINALLY SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN

KEYBOARDISTS Melvin just sold 143 pints of his own blood in order to purchase the new VAVA-VOOM 3000 synthesizer. It has 64 drum loops, 12 helicopter samples and a lollipop dispenser. Melvin considers himself a keyboardist/composer. He is really an idiot/moron. He better read this before he gets fired/exiled. Is it really necessary to have the newest keyboard? I think not. Is there a need to be constantly on the cutting edge of musical technology? Certainly not. Wouldn’t it have been more fun for Melvin to make donations to the sperm bank and keep the cash? You make the call. I’d like all the little Melvins out there to do the rest of us a favor. Put some time into working with whatever keyboard you own. Get a good B-3 organ sound and a few piano sounds first. Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’ and concentrate on being a real musician. Learn to groove. Learn to be creative. Don’t just get the latest product and think you’ve accomplished something. Some of that other stuff is cool, no doubt. In the hands of a tasteful keyboard player, the sound effects, percussion and specialty sounds can really enhance a live performance or recording. In the hands of Melvin, the Zippity Do Dah patch will eat through your brain faster than the Ebola virus on black coffee. REHEARSAL A.K.A. Practicing Your Mistakes Let’s take a look at a typical band rehearsal. I say take a look, because we probably don’t want to listen. Why don’t we all just hold hands and jump in together! Many bands simply don’t get enough done in a 3 hour rehearsal session. Why? It’s because the rehearsal studio is a place where the members of the band are left to their own devices. They are unsupervised and completely responsible for their time and actions. They start by showing up 20 minutes late. Everyone figures the other guy is going to be late, so what the heck! The next step is to set up and tune up while talking about the traffic, Monday Night Football and the girl who does the band’s mailing list. Before you know it, an hour has passed and nothing has been accomplished. And that’s before someone orders a pizza. Rehearsal studios are not always the best sounding rooms. Sometimes, the PA and gear are low quality or in disrepair. Get over it and get on with the rehearsal. Get around to learning the new songs. Fix the old songs that need some rearrangement. Decide on beginnings and endings. Address the musical problems first and foremost. Who’s playing that funny chord on the intro night after night? THAT FUNNY CHORD is the reason God invented the rehearsal studio in the first place. In almost every band, there is one guy who plays the same mistake every time. You all hear it, but you forget to mention it on the gig. You need to get this straightened out in rehearsal. These things take time. Too much time is wasted in the studio, therefore not enough gets done. I can hear you now. “Uncle Bill, how can we resolve this issue? We’re morons and can’t figure it out for ourselves! Please help us. Save us from ourselves, Uncle Bill!!” I hear you, my fledglings. The answers are out there, but you may not like them. You may not like them because they’re simple and painful. Try not to flinch. Take rehearsals seriously. I’m not saying don’t have fun, but get down to business right away. It takes a lot of work to make a band sound good. Get there on time. Know your gear. Set up quickly and efficiently. Make a few notes before hand as to what you think needs to be discussed. Don’t just play your favorite tunes. Make them all sound great and they’ll all be your favorites. Realize that there is no audience at your rehearsal. If you need to focus on one verse, do it again and again. There’s no need to play the whole song. Strip the song down to bass and drums and identify any problem with the groove. Sing a cappella. Find which notes are suspect. Fix it, simplify it or drop it. Don’t try to hide the mistakes with volume or energy. This may get a little embarrassing for the player who has been skating through the last few gigs. HEY, THAT FUNNY CHORD GUY TURNED OUT TO BE YOU!! A basic 3 hour rehearsal could/should go something like this: 9 o’clock. Load in and set up. Talk about a few of the songs that need attention. 9:20 Play a little for sound check. Loosen up for 10 minutes by jamming. 9:30 Get right to the point and address the mistakes. Go right for the 3 most problematic songs. Spend an hour if needed. Be particular. Get the phrasing of the vocals, not just the words and notes. Make sure the drummer knows about the very last hit of the song. Go over each problem area until all members are comfortable. Record those parts so that you don’t forget them an hour later. Any type of portable recorder will do. You’re not concerned with the quality of the recording. Give them a listen the next day and commit them to memory. 10:30 Take a 15 minute break. It’s not wasting time. It’s necessary. Ear fatigue won’t help anyone. 10:45 Run over the problem spots again. Then, play the entire songs in order to play the parts in context. Then, move on. 11:45. Time to pack up. You need to be out by 12. Have some respect for the studio dude who opened the place at 10 AM and needs to get home. While you’re wrapping wires and loading out, talk through a few ideas of what you want to accomplish next rehearsal or gig. Keep it organized and relaxed. BOTTOM LINE A well- rehearsed band is always a thing of beauty to listen to and to watch. Practice at home is good for your individual performance, but a band is interactive. You need to feel the other players, not just hear them. Playing your musical role is essential. A simple musical part is no less important to the song. Playing a song with groove, feel and polish is incredibly rewarding. It rarely takes great technical players to make a great band. NOBODY WALK IN LA Guitarist wanted. Must have reliable transpo. The above ad appears in every Los Angeles music paper. That’s because a car is an essential part of living in LA. New York, Boston and London have public transportation. LA has it, but nobody uses it. I guess it’s transportation but it’s not very public. If you don’t have a car, you better have a girlfriend because you’re going to need a ride. As a musician, you can’t be too picky about transpo. You drive whatever car you can afford. This means it is a vehicle that no one else in the world would drive. Don’t be ashamed. You’re a musician and no one will judge you by the car you drive. In fact, if your band rocks, people will think your car is cool and they’ll love you. I know guys that drive old checker cabs from the 60’s and another that drives a hearse. One guy still has the longhorns of a Brahma bull on the grill of his 25 year old mint condition Cadillac. Oops. These are bad examples. These are just cool cars. The guys who drive them are idiots and nobody likes them. Let’s start over. No one will judge you by the car you drive. Everyone understands that you’re a struggling musician. You suffer for your art and can’t be shackled by possessions. Good thing! The band cars are always easy to spot in the parking lot. They are right next to the club owner’s new Porsche. The musician’s car is usually a “Cyclops” meaning only one headlight is working. The driver’s door is a different color. The Nine Inch Nails bumper sticker is holding the trunk closed. The 2 weeks worth of Styrofoam coffee cups in the backseat serve as soundproofing for the muffler that does very little muffling. The local car wash calls the HAZMAT team to clean the interior. Something is crawling in the cup holder. The brakes are so far gone that their picture appears on the side of a milk carton. The passenger window sticks and the horn won’t work below 70 degrees. A roll of duct tape doubles as the spare tire, under which is a tuxedo jacket. Last but not least