Why We Love Them So

What are the stages of the soul? They are, first, the Lost Soul, the feeling of numbness and aloneness after death, my feeling that my life is too quiet and off-center after the death of Teddy. Then there is the stage that I call “Falling Through the Cracks,” where my grief takes a “why me?” or “why only me?” sort of turn. The third stage is Compassion, as we realize losses such as these are experienced by others who can help us and whom, in turn, we can help. Then there is the stage called Tapestry, when we become aware of the patterns in our losses and our healings that can reveal to us something of a sense of overall purpose in our lives. I call the fifth stage “Attic Wisdom,” because it is very much as though the soul takes us up into the attic and allows us to sort through the stored-up experiences of our lives and make hay of them. Sixth, there is the inevitable Return to daily life. We cannot stay in the attic forever; we have work to do at home. Finally, there is the stage called “Re-enchantment,” where we find ourselves committed to the new level of aliveness and of reality that is the essence of the soulful life. Let us explore these stages of the soul. Let us open ourselves to the possibility that we can do more than get on with life, and that our animal companions can allow us, in death as in life, to grow to the life of Beauty and ideal Grace which is our birthright. This book will take us through the stages of the soul as we mourn the loss of our beloved animal companion. It will also provide a section of short reflections on various aspects of grieving. It does not have to be read in any particular order. Let your soul guide you as to what to read next. Like grieving itself, reading this book is meant to be an adventure, with all of the spontaneity a true adventure requires. One of the results of discovering that we have, after all, a soul to turn to (and that we are not as lost or as unlucky as we feel) is that we are led to understand that far from being alone, we share the experience of pet loss with others who are as “crazy” as we are about their pets and mourn them just as deeply as we mourn ours. This is where we take the turn into Compassion, the third stage of the grieving soul. “Compassion” literally means “feeling with.” Here, we learn to feel with others who are in similar circumstances to ours, and we deepen our sense of patience and understanding with ourselves. Now that we have developed the understanding that we are not alone in our grief and that, indeed, who do have somewhere to turn in the midst of it, we begin to feel safe. The walls of grief and despair begin to crumble, and we start to see that the inner peace we want is possible for us. We may not experience it in large doses yet, but at least we know that we are not excluded from its happening in us. Moreover, now that we realize that we are not alone in our suffering, we begin to take to heart the fact that others are suffering as well. One of the things we learn at this stage of compassion is that compassion for others is the best way to heal ourselves. When we let our soulful compassion guide us into action, we may find ourselves reaching out to others with a kind word, a note or a helping hand. A friend who has lost several cats in recent years and who is herself in poor health is most grateful for the help of friends who have offered to dig the cats’ graves. She, in turn, offered a burial place for a friend’s kitty who had died. Compassion builds upon compassion, kindness upon kindness and makes the world a better place. Compassion allows us to define who we are and what we expect from life. Once we have begun to experience compassion, we begin to realize that we do not want to live in a world that is devoid of it. That, in turn, gives us the opportunity to define ourselves as compassionate people and to commit ourselves to living compassionate lives, including compassion within the folds of our life purpose, whatever that may be. Compassion has turned us around. Now, we find we are developing the expectation that life is meaningful even when painful; and we find ourselves more often looking for meaning in the events of our lives. Life can still be a struggle at times, but when we know the soul is always there for us, it makes a difference. In the stage of Attic Wisdom, the soul moves beyond and through its heightened sense of compassion and moves to a higher level of reflection and insight. At this level, we are well beyond the imprisonments of grief and move instead to a place where we can sort through our memories and learn important things about life and about the place our animal companions have in it. In Attic Wisdom, we take time to reflect, to discover the treasures that we may have buried and hidden away and allow ourselves to be surprised, perhaps, by what we learn. What it comes down to, I think, is making a habit of asking, “What do I really want in this particular situation in which I find myself?” We may initially think that what we want is a quick fix or a way to forget so that we can “bring closure” to our grief. Soulful living, however, suggests that what we really want is inner peace and light for ourselves and for others. The stage of Attic Wisdom helps us to find that. I have heard that expression about closure so many times, and each time I find it to completely misrepresent the essence of the soulful grieving process. As we have been observing, the grieving process is not something that can be turned on and turned off like a water faucet. There is no “getting on with life” that does not include holding cherished memories of our faithful animal friends. There is and should be no closure to the relationship we have had with them. Through the higher perspective of the soul, we have learned that we may not understand everything about why our pet died. We’ve come a long way and have done a lot of learning, softening and reflecting. We have even returned to the world, armed with our new perspective and our new knowledge. But it is not enough for us to simply return to the world. There is one stage left, and it is the most wonderful one of all. That is the stage where we fall in love with life again. You see, it is one thing to return to life and quite another to be enchanted or re-enchanted with it. The two might indeed come simultaneously for us, but most of the time they don’t. It is one thing to come back into life knowing more and having learned a lot. But it is not necessarily true that we come back to life singing. The good news is, contrary to what you thought when you were a lost soul and falling through the cracks, you can enjoy life again. Our animals and our souls have teamed up to give us that. One of the debilitating effects of grief is that it makes the whole world seem gray or dark. When we’re mired in sadness, life loses its luster and sparkle and we lose our sense of curiosity. We need to wonder. Without wonder, life is bleak and we begin to wallow in the sense that there is nothing left in life for us. We begin to feel badly about ourselves, and we lose all sense of any joy or purpose in life other than to get through the day. Wonder can be fueled by a myriad of things. While grieving, don’t hesitate to put yourself into nature to experience its beauty. Look for sunrises and sunsets. If you can, find someplace where you can watch rabbits and squirrels play. Let your soul be caught up in the beauty of a cloud or a tree or the flight of a bird. Make your way to a tall mountain or to a desert or a beach or a lake or ocean. Go back and read a favorite story, book or poem. Whatever stage of grieving might be yours right now, just know that there is a safe haven, a heaven, for your beloved pet in your heart. There they are always safe and happy, and you can visit them often and at any time. I pray that their passing may come to be a source of love for you, and of gratitude.