Slices of Life

Hector Eugene Bartholomew III fell off the earth at 12:09 pm, Eastern Standard Time. By all accounts he was the first. Eyewitnesses, whose accounts are often unreliable and usually unverifiable, seem to agree it was approximately 12:09 pm, 12:10, or 12:15 EST, but after this, their stories differ widely and often completely. Some witnesses claim he suddenly disintegrated into dust and blew away like an ash. Some say lighting struck him, like the spear of God striking him dead and in a flash, he was gone. Others claim he simply exploded, spontaneous evaporatous, yet no one could explain what happened to the body parts or the large amount of blood that would have accompanied an anatomical explosion of a human being. No DNA evidence, neither blood, nor bone nor hair was found at the scene, fans of TV police forensic shows were quick to point out. Amateur and professional meteorologists argue, correctly, that there were no clouds in the sky and no evidence of any electrical activity. There were no burn marks on the sidewalk and no thunder was heard by any of the witnesses, possibly ruling out a lighting strike but still leaving intact the Hand of God theory. The most common recollection of said event was that Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III shot up into the sky like a rocket. Witnesses here too differed on the details, some claiming they were burned by the propulsion exhaust that shot from the bottom of his feet, like a NASA shuttle launch, while others, and there were more of these who claimed that there was no heated exhaust plumage, but only a thin white vapor trail against the pale blue sky. These varying accounts led some to believe, later denied by government officials, on and off the record that Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III was a scientist or CIA operative, working on some super-top-secret Personal Propulsion Device, a so called PPD NBC was PDQ to claim they coined. Skeptics and conspiracy theorists argue that the government did, would and always will deny any and all such accusations of potential and actual paranormal events, and offer as irrefutable proof the government’s continual denial the aliens found in Area 51. These arguments quickly descended into a quagmire of conflicting, fanatical and irrational conspiratorial theories that fed the lascivious appetites of those who loved to dine on lurid details. The puzzling thing about this and all the other theoretical pinings of the masses and the accompanying hysteria was that only one person said anything to anybody about Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III disappearance, until after his reported disappearance by his wife, and that was from the cigar man on the corner of Main who was accustomed to Mr. B’s regular patronage when he left the office at lunch each day. Of course, at least two witnesses claim it was aliens that abducted him in a sleek silver spaceship carried him away 1). on a great, wide tractor beam and 2). by a giant green tentacle. These two witnesses could not agree on the method of abduction, but did agree on 1). aliens, 2). sleek, silver spaceship and 3). a secret memory eraser beam was used to confuse them. Another Sector of the Strange claimed, as they always do, looking for and almost hoping for the end of the world that it was a sign of the second coming of the good Lord Jesus Christ Almighty. They claimed, and there were several others who did so also, that a great light appeared above them and time stood still and the man floated into heaven like a saint. Friends and business associates of Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III and even Mrs. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III, were quick to say, respectfully, that he was no saint and not even likable at times. Gossipers and shameless Do-Gooders were quick to chirp in, at every media opportunity/man-on-the-street interview/YouTube documentary that, resulting from Hector Eugene Bartholomew III’s questionable and deplorable lifestyle, which none knew any specific details about, but were quick to speculate on by expanding on Mrs. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III’s claim that Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III was “not a saint,” and extrapolated to the Nth degree that he must, in fact be of questionable character and deserved to be gone from this earth. The furor over Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III questionable acts grew so fast that Mrs. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III was quickly sued by so-called victims of said questionable acts by people who had never met, never come in contact with nor had any relationship with, in person or otherwise with this “horrid little man,” as one victim said. One later claimed that she was carrying his baby, in what would be the only second incident of immaculate conception in recorded history and contributed to the many conspiracy theories in such that Mrs. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III had to go into hiding and was unable to go public to defend her husband, who, although was not a saint, had been a good, god fearing, church-going man with the normal accumulation of bad habits and ill tempers as any other man of sixty-two and a success in accumulating decent sums of money. One paper printed a quote on page 9 of section 3 near the bottom beneath an orange juice ad that Mrs. Bartholomew had said the “Gene,” as he was called, had been “a good provider for his family, and in over thirty-two years of marriage had never struck her, nor their children, was fair in business and tithed to the church,” but other than the page nine, section three report, because of Mrs. Bartholomew’s self imposed and forced exile, the dastardly rumors of Mr. Bartholomew’s alleged indiscretions were allowed to spin wildly out of control and continued to be headliners in the daily papers for several days. The accusations and insinuations may have continued indefinitely about Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III and the Bartholomew Lady Immaculate of the unconfirmed conception had it not been for Fredrick Lawrence Johnson of Monte Sereno, California. He did not know, nor was ever known to be an associate of, nor associated with, Mr. Hector Eugene Bartholomew III, et al, but will be, forever attached to Mr. Bartholomew in the history blogs as the second known person to have disappeared, inexplicitly from the earth. Like Mr. Bartholomew III, Mr. Johnson was reportedly walking down the street between the hamburger establishment in which he had just dined with close associates from the computer place he was employed, to the office where he would return to complete the remaining four hours of his day, making the time approximately 1 p.m. when, in front of his good friends and long term associates, he was sucked into space with not so much as a whoosh, a blast or even a vapor trail, said various witnesses, and there were several, both friendly and familiar with F.L. Johnson as well as independent witnesses who, thus far, have no ulterior motive to delude or deceive an increasingly concerned community. Like Mr. Bartholomew, Mr. Johnson was never seen or heard from again. Like fanatics on the East Coast, fanatics on the West Coast, and there were many there too who fed and were nurtured by the main stream media by dreams of five minutes of fame and possible fortune, stated that they saw 1). Tentacles 2). a tractor beam, 3). a bright light, 4). silver, sleek, flying saucers, 5). The Mothman, (winged alien creatures previously found only in West Virginia and in some dilapidated drive-in movie theaters as the third feature), 6). and, as one homeless Catholic lady claimed, it was Jesus Christ himself, coming down on clouds to carry Mr. Johnson away and gave proof of the event by showing the beloved Virgin Mary’s portrait on her toasted raisin bread. From The Obliquity of the Ecliptic