The Gifts of My Divorce

This is a story about my journey through the labyrinth of divorce. It is my experience as a victim, as a survivor, and ultimately as the heroine of my own tale. Then my ex left me on a cold, February day my world was turned upside down and inside out. My life instantly and dramatically changed from one of certain predictability to one of unrelenting questions and constant self doubt. My inner world was in a steady state of chaos. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure which way to turn. I didn’t know where I was supposed to go with any of this. I had no clue how I was going to put everything back together again when I felt so broken inside. I was deeply, deeply hurt when he left, and completely ill prepared to handle this sudden and drastic change. I was filled with a sorrow that pulled heavily on my heart and permeated my being. It was crushing. It was bewildering. It was sad and eerily hollow. It was frightening and lonely and it was a horribly painful place to be. The questions and thoughts swirled around in my mind in a dark, thick, fog making it difficult to find clarity and meaning. Why is this happening? Why didn’t I see this coming? Why me, why us, why now? Maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe this is temporary. Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe? But there were no maybes. I pleaded with him not to leave. I put all shame and pride aside as I begged him to stay. But no bargains were made. No deals were cut. He was gone. And there was nothing I could do to change that fact. There was nothing I could do to fix it. There was no one to fight for. There was nothing to go after. The life that I once shared with this person was over. The life that I had been contentedly living was done. Curtains closed. Time for you to leave. Bye now. With a snap of the fingers it was gone while a whole new reality swiftly swept in and seized my life. I was angry. I was resentful. I was regretful. I spent ten years with this man only to have it end. I spent ten years building our future together when there was no future. Our future had died on the vine of today. How the hell was I supposed to have a future when I didn’t even have a today? Who’s to blame here anyway? I want to know! Was it his fault? Was it my fault? Was I pissed at him or was I pissed at me? What was this anger that reeled around inside of me? Was I angry at any one thing or was I angry because I was so damn hurt? What was this hot emotion that kept me up at night while the questions to the story of my life ran like a ticker tape on the bottom of a newscast? I was utterly and completely alone in a world that was once shared by two. I felt like I was standing on a frozen tundra without a soul in sight. The cold inside my being matched the cold outside on this vast and empty plane. I couldn’t stand the erratic feelings that danced all over my heart and changed their tune so capriciously. What is all of this extra and random activity? Who is this wild troupe of fanatical dancers that are using my heart as their stage? What are all of these unpredictable emotions? My life, that was once a safe and secure haven, was now filled with an uncertainty that I didn’t quite know how to handle. How do I create a new life when I thought the old one was perfectly fine? How do I walk into this new unknown? Who am I? I was also scared. Very, very scared. Change is an incredibly difficult thing to go through, sudden change is even worse. When it was cast upon me, there was no time for preparation, no net to catch me as I fell, no life raft to take me to a safer shore. There was no avoiding it so I had to walk through it. It was something that I had to face no matter how much I wanted everything to stay the same. This is like walking over a hot bed of coals in bare feet. Why can’t everything just go back to normal? Why can’t we just pretend like none of this ever happened? Change walked arm in arm with fear, as fear became my constant companion. Fear was the jester who made riddles of my thoughts. Fear was the baker who laced decisions with big dashes of uncertainty. Fear was the worrier who took over my nightly dreams. Fear of this new unknown made me often wonder if I was even headed in the right direction. It was this dramatic event in my life, with all of its untamed activity, that snapped my consciousness into awakening. It was this huge, frightening, heart breaking, change that pushed me to find answers. It was this mighty experience that made me seek out the truths that lay dormant in my soul. It was this shattering experience that forced me to go beyond being the victim of my fallen life and beyond being the survivor of that life. It was this event that changed my life forever in a way in which I am profoundly thankful. This is a story about choice. This is a story about discovery. This is a story about transcendence and the ability to surpass the experience that lay before me as I searched for something more. While I traveled to and through the places of denial, anger, sorrow and eventually acceptance, my new reality was filled with constant questions. How am I going to do this and how am I going to do it well? How am I going to accept this? Am I going to remain pissed? Am I going to remain wounded? Am I going to be eternally sad? Am I just going to merely survive this split and lick my wounds for the rest of my life? Or am I going to do something with this event? Am I going to make something more of it than is typically done? Am I going to step away from this incredibly painful life experience with my spirit still intact or am I going to let it eat at my soul until I am only a bitter shell of my former self? Divorce is brutal on one’s self-esteem, one’s psyche, and one’s emotional well being. It is a hard-hitting, tough, experience in which so much of who I am was put into question and put to the test. It was devastating, to say the very least, and it was an event that I was thrown into without any choice. Where I did have a choice, was the manner in which I was going to travel on this road. Was I going to take the road to the right, into the complete unknown, as I searched for a better way? Or was I going to take the road to the left, with everyone else, and become another member of the status quo? Was I going to live in the confines of my split and let it define me for the rest of my life, or was I going to break through those confining walls and create a bright new future for myself? Was I going to create a new present inside my being or was I going to allow my soul to decay in the dark throws of negativity? The road I chose was not an easy path by any measure. In fact, this was one of the most difficult and most challenging journeys I have ever been on. It was relentless as it pushed me to search for answers. It was insistent and unwavering as I was asked again and again to look at myself. It demanded my absolute and undivided attention as I sought the truth. While at the same time, it was deeply rewarding. It was eye opening. It was inspiring. And ultimately, it was life giving. There were many, many times I wondered whether I was foolish for even attempting to walk in this direction.