The Truth In Angels

Oh that man, he was so worthless. He hardly ever worked, and when he actually decided to get off his sorry ass and do something worthwhile, he spent his paycheck on booze. He did nothing all day while I was out earning money to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. Sometimes I wondered what I ever saw in that man. He would sit in front of the T.V. all day watching god knows what. I would yell at him all the time. I would scream at him to sober up and get a job. Oh man, would we go at it. We would argue for so long and so loud I bet the angels in heaven could hear us. I always felt bad for Angel. I hated it that he had to live with us fighting all the time. Angel would sit in his room for hours while we fought. He always turned on this loud music to cancel out the harsh words from his father and I. I don’t know what he would do locked up in his room all the time but I wish, now, that I had asked. I wish I had talked to him more. I wish I had taken the time to sit down with him and figure out what was happening in his life. I want to know what he was going through. Claudius always got in a lot of trouble. I always knew that. I would hear it from my friends, his teachers and from the neighbors but there was nothing I could do about it. He never listened to anything I said anyway. He, finally, got what he had coming to him. Him and some of his friends tried to mug a couple, but it didn’t really go as they planned. Both of his friends got away while Claudius got arrested. After Claudius got sent to prison, Angel’s behavior changed. Angel always went on walks. He would be gone sometimes up to three or four hours. I never knew where he went or what he did, but I wish I had taken the time to figure that out. I never took the time to build a good relationship with my son and that is something I regret terribly. There was nothing more that I wanted then to have a good relationship with my son, but that never happened. I loved Angel. I loved him more than he or anyone will ever know. I still do love him and always will. I wonder if he knew that I loved him at all. With my job and his schooling and friends it seemed like the rare times when both of us were home, I was in another argument with his father. I never gave Angel any attention. Angel was the soul reason why I came home everyday. He got me through each and every day. Every part of me knew that to be truly happy I would have to leave Angel’s father, but every part of me also knew that I would die without Angel. If it wasn’t for Angel, I would have left a long time ago, but I just couldn’t do it. I would have missed him too much, and the thought of what Angel would think of me if I left him and his father was unbearable. What Angel thought of me was more important than anything. His father wouldn’t even be able to support himself, let alone a son. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that Angel hated me. I had to stay with him. I knew Angel was a good kid. I had always felt that under that raw hide of his was a boy that everyone would adore and a man that everyone would look up to. He had special qualities about him that you wouldn’t see unless you lived with him. Little hints of these qualities pushed through his barrier for only seconds at a time. No one would even notice them unless they saw him all the time. Angel put up a wall around himself. Sure, Angel had done some bad things and gotten in his mess of trouble, but this is the Projects, there isn’t a soul here that hasn’t done something wrong. I just feel like hardly anyone had the chance to see his true wonderful self. Once in a while, though, he would let his guard down for a split second, and I would see his true colors. Those were the moments when I smiled most. I just wish he were here so I could tell him that. The past few months, Angel had been changing. He was transforming into a better person. Ever since Claudius was sent away, he acted differently. He was still himself by all means but the good that I saw inside him once in a while was beginning to shine through more than ever. What one could see before, many could experience later. I noticed a change in his attitude. He was starting to come home at night, do his homework, and not wear such dark clothes. He had a certain energy, that boy. The kind of spark that gave a person the will to live, even if deep down you knew there wasn’t much to live for. He gave me and every one else hope.