I'm Gonna Freaking Recover...Am I?

Foreward When Sharon asked me to write the foreword for her book I was deeply touched. Over the last several years I have watched the Lord call her out of the depths of addiction and into her journey with recovery. When Sharon first came to counseling in 2006 she was deep in denial and a master at hiding the severity of her disorder. I witness this often with individuals who are just beginning the first stages of recovery from their addictions. They desire to get better…be set free…yet are unwilling to say goodbye to their trusted companions…their best friend…their eating disorder. In graduate school I learned the fundamental principles of treating clients with addictions; however over the course of my early years in practice I counseled very few individuals with eating disorders. It was not only foreign to my personal way of thinking; I was also a novice at treating this issue. She inspired me to learn more about eating disorders, as well as seek new and innovative ways of treating those in bondage to this way of existing. It was Sharon that introduced me to Remuda Ranch, and it was there that I found a well rounded treatment program that addressed the whole person. I toured their facility and took training classes that allowed me to marry my own clinical foundation with a treatment approach to ED’s [eating disorders] that offered success for those ready to embrace recovery. Remuda Ranch taught me that all eating disorders (or addictions for that matter) serve a purpose. The individual is trying in the best way they know how to get a healthy need met in an extremely unhealthy manner. They also recognize the significance of bringing Christ into the healing process…without Him, we are merely placing worldly band-aids on our deepest spiritual wounds. Since this time, I have walked alongside clients and their families as they struggle with the power that the ED has over them. I have referred individuals to treatment centers when more intensive programming was needed. I have watched families grabble with our flawed health care system, when it fails to support the need for in-patient treatment because they were not close enough to death to justify this expense. I have witnessed firsthand the miracle of Christ’s healing mercy when the client chose recovery over purging…starvation…their evil best-friend. When Sharon walked into my office all those years ago I would not have imagined that I would be learning from her as much as she was from me. I can see that she has a gift to minister to those that share her struggle with ED’s. “To whom much is given…much is required” Luke 12:48. Her gift with art, writing and creative expressions of feelings will bear much fruit for the Kingdom of God. Whether you are struggling individually or love someone who is, her book will provide insight into the mind of an eating disordered person. Sharon is brave to open her self to this…she no longer is in denial or a master at hiding in the dark. May God’s peace, love and light shine into your own life! Victoria A. Gutbrod, MA. PCC-S Introduction When I began journaling about my struggle with an eating disorder over five years ago, I never dreamed it would evolve into a book of my journey through this tumultuous time in my life. I am writing this book as a recovering anorexic and bulimic. No, I’m not recovered, and I’m not going to say that I am. But I have no doubt in my mind that one day, I will be. So I have no shame in exposing my life, my thoughts, my lies, my hopes and my dreams. I believe that if you are human, and you are holding this book in your hand, you will be able to relate in some way. Maybe not exactly to my struggles, but to the frustration of striving for perfection in a world that places worth on being the best, the strongest, the prettiest, or the smartest. I find it ironic that God desires the same from us. He has called each of us to holiness. But the beautiful part is that he knows we can’t be. It isn’t until we stop trying on our own to reach an unattainable goal, that we will experience God’s power to conquer anything. My pattern of recovery has been exactly that (if yours hasn’t been, I would love to know how in the world you have done it!). The past couple of years, I have sat in support group after support group, stunned at how some of the girls come directly out of treatment, for an eating disorder they have battled close to their entire lives, come home and are doing practically perfectly in recovery (so they say). It absolutely floors me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a “relapser;” I am prone to relapse. I tried the whole “look at me, I’m following all of the rules” kind of thing. Everything seemed to be okay to me, but I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself. If you think you are fooling everyone around you, you’re probably not. You are human and will screw up eventually. I was so torn between doing everything right in order not to disappoint anyone, and doing what I really desired—my eating disorder. I have found that superficial recovery is no recovery at all. Sure, it may work for a little while, a year, or maybe two or three, but true recovery has to come from within. I had to want it, and by desiring to be healthy again and really live again, I began to make choices based on my hope for the future. Even if the smallest percent of my being wanted recovery, that was enough of a reason to keep going. And believe me, sometimes it didn’t seem like I had any hope left. That’s when my journal came in handy. In the movie “50 First Dates,” Drew Barrymore’s character loses her short-term memory. In order to have a romantic relationship, she finds she must journal about her experiences each day, so that she can read it the next morning and relive the events of the day before. Sometimes she can’t comprehend that it actually happened, but she knew she had written it down when she experienced the moment. I began writing how I felt exactly when I felt emotions or had specific thoughts. I went through such highs and lows, from extreme motivation to recover one minute, to questioning whether or not I would eat a meal or attend therapy the next. I had to write down whenever I had any desire to recover, so I could read it in my state of hopelessness, and realize that I actually had hope at one point, and it was worth staying in recovery and not throwing the whole thing completely out the window (or down the toilet…). I have made great steps in recovery, and then I have fallen on my face. I begged my parents to send me to get treatment, and then threatened to come home the first three weeks I was there. I have made progress that even I couldn’t fathom…and then I have turned around the next day and lived like I had before I ever had inpatient treatment. I have been up and down, and honestly, I believe that is normal. So I invite you to embark on a ride through my imperfect journey through an eating disorder and my recovery, to laugh and to cry, to feel as hopeful and as hopeless as I have (sometimes at the same time). But ultimately, I invite you to be human. Only by taking off the masks of flawlessness that we wear, will we ever begin to grow. And I hope and pray that this real story of an ordinary young woman might inspire you to overcome whatever might be hindering you to live. Continually on the road to recovery, Sharon Cameron I was raised in a tight knit Amish family, including three older sisters and an older brother. Just kidding, I promise to be honest in this book, and we really weren’t Amish. My parents were both extremely loving and devoted to us all. Although a little strict. And very conservative—in dress, in religion, in home décor…you name it. Piercings, tattoos, loud music and most movies produced after 1960 were greatly frowned upon.