Couple's Answers for Cancer

Chapter 27 Larry’s Story It is hard to wait for the cancer to start to grow again. Fear of the unknown is very real. Life goes on and we have had a great holiday season, my second Christmas after diagnosis. I am going into my third year; odds are I won’t make it through. That is the statistics talking, I choose instead to listen to myself. To continue to focus on my faith, love for my wife, happiness in feeling the sunshine and enjoying lots of good food without being sick. We have come back from Moffitt after our January check-up. The MRI reveals no growth, again. The doctor is thrilled, he tells me that I am doing better than any other patient he has. I continue to be medication-free except for the seizure pill. I have added some vitamins and a co enzyme Q10 for heart health; some doctors are recommending these for general heart health. On my MRI, the ventricles look like they are actually opening up. The right one had completely collapsed prior to the brain surgery and had always been more closed than the other one but on this MRI I could actually see they were about the same size again. The doctor and I talk and he tells me that my short term memory is not going to get any better. He says, in fact it may become worse as now the long term radiation effects are starting to show up. There isn’t much data about long-term radiation effects as most people who have so much radiation are so sick that they usually don’t make the two-year mark where the long-term radiation effects show up, especially when you have radiated the brain. We discussed the statistics about my chances of survival with this type of cancer. I realize that the percentage is between 2% and 15% according to which stats you read. Those are not exactly good odds but I know that I am going to continue to appreciate my life, continue my church work and being with Shelly. I am so thankful that I chose a positive road instead of a negative one as all of this would be 1,000 times harder without a good mental attitude. Larry’s Tip: While the questions can be irritating I wanted to be current and knowledgeable. I know that at times I would ask the same question over and over but I think it helped with reinforcement. Write yourself a note; put events on a calendar so that you both keep up with what is happening. Shelly would answer the question but then would remind me that I had already asked that question. I had always asked Shelly to be honest with me when I did things like this so that I could try to be aware of what I was doing and to think before I just relied on her to do my thinking for me. Try to do your own thinking, let your partner help you work through things you don’t understand. Don’t struggle on your own if it truly isn’t coming to your mind. Just relax and wait a bit and think about it. It will come back to you. Patience is a difficult thing to have during these times but is a must. Shelly’s Story We had a wonderful Christmas season and had so much fun together. We enjoyed the lights on the tree at night when it was dark, we played nice Christmas music and ate popcorn and drank wine and flavored coffee. I was so happy to make it through the season; it is bittersweet at every holiday as you wonder if this will be the last one together. I push that thought away and concentrate on helping Larry get ready for spring and summer. He has some projects he wants to do. He wants to build some stairs down into the bay, he wants to lay some sod, he has the urge to go outside and work as he is tired of winter weather and wants to be outside. The long-term radiation side effects started showing up almost to the day of the two-year mark from the beginning when radiation started. It was such a memory loss problem for Larry; I would have to tell him the same thing at least six times to get him to remember it. He was frustrated, I was frustrated, and we had great news from the doctors and behavior that didn’t match. It made me crazy; he would follow me and ask me 100 questions a day. I had to constantly remind myself that he could not help it and was trying to regroup. Sometimes I would go sit outside by myself or work on some plants in the yard to have a few minutes away from the questions. We know this is a big year and we have to regroup and talk again about our hopes and fears, our plans for the future and how we were feeling emotionally. Shelly’s tip: This was one of the most maddening times. I could not stand the constant questions; my voice was hoarse from repeating myself. I finally told Larry I felt overwhelmed by all the repetitive questions. He said he would try to not do it all day long. We regrouped, laughed about it and went on about our day. It is okay to be angry with the sick person, you are human too and your emotions are important and have to be addressed because if you emotionally fall apart you will set the tone for the future and that won’t be a positive path. Couple’s Tip: Once again communication and being able to talk about how all are feeling is an important tool. You have to realize that you are two different people with two different agendas and you both have to compromise. Take some time apart if you are getting to each other. Go run an errand, do something in the dirt; it is amazing what working in the dirt does for your calm and balance. Do some kind of hobby or take a class by yourself. Everyone needs some time alone and if you talk about things no one will get their feelings hurt. You both will feel less stress because you are being honest and respectful to each other.