Drinking from My Leg

News Flash September 1998 This just in: Legendary bonehead cyclist Paul Martin is at it again. Just days after his notorious “body retaliates” crash, Martin eats it on his road bike for an unprecedented seventh time in a single season. Our reporter on the scene, Heebee Bummin, has the report: It appears that Mr. Martin was the last in a line of three riders descending a hill on a sharp right-hand turn when they came upon a large dog and its owner walking up the inside lane of the blind corner. The first two riders, startled by the sheer mass of the large snarling animal, veered to safety, but Martin, his options lessened by the others, had no choice but to go down. And down he went on the shady gravel-strewn corner. The homeowner, whose driveway gravel was in the road and later embedded in Martin’s hip, commented, “You know it’s a bad crash when the guy’s leg pops off!” We understand Martin holds no grudge since the homeowner did supply the necessary first-aid kit. Dr. Susan Latshaw, attending physician, lent these words: “There are two kinds of people in this world. Paul’s the type that likes to dance with gravity.” She made no reference to the second type. Paul’s Body was unavailable for comment, apparently on a much-needed long weekend. As the group was preparing to finish the one-hundred-mile ride, Martin was overheard in a display of sick, masochistic humor: “Let’s hit the road!” Thank you, Heebee. Martin was admitted to a local clinic for a tetanus shot and gravel removal. We are told the pea-size hole in his hip should close up in a few days. In a related story, a recent poll suggests that America’s fear of amputees is at an all-time high.