Job Search Sucks!

20 Ways to Prove “There are No Jobs Out There” 1. Look for work only when you feel like it. Make certain you’ve done everything else you wanted to do that day before you even think about starting your job search. 2. Don’t organize anything. Don’t write down any phone numbers, employer names or keep any records. That way you won’t be able to make any follow-up phone calls, keep track of who you’ve approached and when, and you’ll have plenty of excuses for not following through on anything. 3. Hang out with losers. The more others can convince you there’s no hope, the more you’ll believe it. 4. Never set goals or make work search plans in advance. Just let whatever happens happen. Display a ‘who cares’ attitude. 5. Handwrite your resume in five colours of magic marker. Drench it in perfume. List your skills as ‘none’, your experience as ‘bad’ and your education as ‘finished’. 6. Scan the Classified section of your local newspaper once a day. Turn your nose up at every job that doesn’t match your employment criteria exactly. Then tell yourself there’s no work available and go back to bed. 7. Dump your resume into a couple of on-line sites and wait for someone to offer you your dream job by e-mail. Check your e-mail later that day, then load up some video games to pass the time until you check again the next day, or the next week or whenever you get around to it. 8. Send unreadable, smudged, folded or stapled resumes and cover letters full of spelling and grammar errors. If you use a fax machine, make sure you copy your info onto really dark paper so that no one can read it at the other end. If you E-mail, attach a copy of your resume that has plenty of bullets, underlines, bolding and capitals included. Set the widest margins possible. That way you can pretty much ensure it will look a mess when the perspective employer opens the document. Format it in Wingdings or use a really old or unpopular word processing program that hardly anybody has. What the employer can’t open they can’t read. 9. Ignore any application instructions provided by the employer -- especially when there are strict instructions given. If asked to fax your resume, drop it off in person right at quitting time. If you are requested to provide a job number in your cover letter, make up your own. “This is Job #28. I got fired from the last 27. Does that matter?” 10. Send all applications several days after the posted deadlines. 11. Don’t take any resumes, references or other information with you on the job search or to interviews. That way, you’ll have to struggle over application forms, promise information you can forget to deliver and have no paperwork to refer to when asked about your previous experience. 12. Look like a slob whenever you visit a company to do some research, drop off a resume or attend an interview. Don’t bathe or brush your hair, and, for goodness sake, don’t press or mend anything you intend to wear. 13. Be rude to receptionists, administrative assistants and anyone else you meet who might remember to mention you to the boss as an absolute jerk. 14. Never learn anything about a company you are about to interview with. The less interested you seem the less they will want to hire you. 15. Be late for interviews. Employers really hate that. Then, when you are late, make comments like, “Gees, the traffic’s bad around here. Does anyone ever make it to work on time?” or “How does my hair look? I took an extra half hour getting it perfect so I’d look good for you. Some days it’s worth the extra time, don’t you think?” 16. During an interview, slump in your seat, make strange gestures when talking and stick out your tongue in disgust at the mere mention of your former boss. Practice rolling your eyes, pursing your lips and making other facial expressions that exhibit disgust, impatience or suggest a complete lack of understanding whenever you are asked to explain anything. 17. Be really unclear about why you left your last position, what your duties were and what skills you gained that you can bring to the new job. Nothing is more frustrating to an interviewer than an interviewee who can’t explain what he or she has to offer and back it up with good solid links to past experience. 18. If you are a recent graduate, show a real lack of confidence in your ability to actually do the job you have been trained for. Wince to show pain when asked for details of the programs you took. 19. Complain about your former boss and/or company constantly. This one works great, especially if the interviewer knows your former boss or company, as is the case in many related industries. Throw in some confidential info if you know some, stuff you learned about because you worked there and that your former boss would hate to have spread around. Make the interviewer think you will speak the same way about their company if they hire you and they’ll back off real quick. 20. Don’t ask any questions or show any interest in the job. Keep the interviewer thinking you don’t care and BINGO! you’re outta there.