The Ultimate Zombie Hunter's Handbook

Zombies: What are they? We should probably get the record straight at the beginning. If there ever was a modern zombie, in action, it was destroyed before anyone realized what it was. There have not been any reported cases of human zombiism that have withstood rational investigation, nor has there been any deadly outbreak to speak of. Yet. Historically, however, there have been rumors of zombies, from various parts of the world and in various periods of time, where people who were dead have purportedly been revived and subsequently risen from the grave. One of the world’s major religions, for instance, maintains a belief in just such an incident. Other examples include the ‘hopping zombie’ from China, which is completely ridiculous, and, more currently, subservient zombies unliving in Haiti. Concerning the matter of zombies in past history, I can only say that most of those weren’t actually zombies and some of them weren’t actually real. For instance, it is a proven fact that zombies can’t talk due to considerable deterioration in the faculties of the mind and so forth and who cares. This means that the Zombie Jesus we all know and love is actually not a zombie, but more likely some kind of ghost or Spirit, as the case may be. In fact, almost all historical references to zombies can actually be converted into stories about ghosts or possession. Consider the classic Egyptian Mummy reference. This is clearly not a zombie because the Mummy has a purpose: to protect its tomb and booty from the injustices of uncaring punks. Zombies, on the other hand, have no purpose except to rend flesh and die miserably, and it would be illogical to suppose otherwise. The only reasonable conclusion, then, is that the Mummy is actually a ghost in possession of a corpse. Turning now to more recent rumors, they suggest zombies have been found in Haiti, sometimes existing for many years after being created as a result of some kick ass Haitian Voodoo performed by a religious individual bearing the title of bokor. Supposedly the bokor could use his sorcery to create a 'zombie powder,' which would then be applied to a person to turn them into a zombie, but a zombie under the bokor’s control. Seriously speaking, it appears that these 'zombies' are usually just normal people high on some amazingly psychedelic drugs contained in the powder, drugs that may cause paralysis, hallucinations, and the appearance of being dead. Mind control aside, it is my guess that since everyone in town insists they've come back from the dead, the victim just goes along with it, maybe to get attention, as a response to social pressures and religious beliefs, or to play a good joke on their mother. In the end, whether they are rumors of zombies from Haiti, China, or something more mainstream, these rumors are usually just bed-time stories parents tell their children at night to scare the shit out of them, and I'm pretty sure they have no real basis in fact. For instance, I’ve heard these so-called Haitian zombies aren't very dangerous, which to me conclusively disproves their zombie status since we all know zombies to be a horrifying menace both to society and to the lives of sweet innocent children. Most likely, the only real zombies so far have been retarded zombie animals that were crushed beneath the tires of Bubba's 18 wheeled delivery truck of lard as they mistakenly stumbled toward the lights. All in all, we might not necessarily know a zombie when we see it, at least not right off. However, here’s your first tip: it's pretty safe to say that if you see a human eating another human, they are one of two things: a psychopathic cannibal or a zombie. If it’s the first case, get out your gun and shoot them in the head. If it's the second case, get out your gun and shoot them in the head. When can I call it a Zombie? But seriously, what is a zombie? The definition can be hard to pin down due to all the media hype these days, hype that attempts to glamorize and mischaracterize. So, forget everything you think you know and let’s start from the beginning, with the basics, and we’ll build from there. What is a zombie? Well, a zombie is not your friend (this is important!). Furthermore, a zombie is a flesh-eater (kind of important!). Even more further, a zombie was originally a normal, hard-working, honest, puppy-loving, cat-cuddling, everyday neighborly human being. Was. Now, let’s continue our investigation and look at what defines a zombie, how zombies are created, and how zombiism can spread, and all the rest of that kind of crap.