To Clear My Head

Uncle! This is not how I imagined my life would turn out. I’m angry, depressed, irritable, and I’m driving everyone away. I’ve got to do something and I’ve got to do it now! How did things get so out of control? I could actually lose my friends, my family, and more importantly, my wife! Everyone seems to be running out of patience with me and I know it. I can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. I, David Andrews, am not going through a midlife crisis. I am just tired of getting hosed and not being able to buy a break! No matter where I go, or what I do, things just won’t work out. I have to figure out where I’ve gone wrong or what has changed so significantly in my life to put me in this situation. How did it get this far out of whack? Where did it go wrong? I’ve got to get my head back in the game. Whatever happened to that naval aviator who wasn’t afraid of anything, that cocky bastard that was brave, confident, sure, and able to handle everything thrown at him? Now I can’t even make the simplest decisions for fear that someone will think less of me. Why do I care what others think of me, I never used to. If I can reconnect with my past, I can re-examine where things went wrong, correct what needs to be corrected, and become a functioning human being again. But how do I do that? That’s the big question. I can sit all day long and analyze every aspect of my past, but I bet that will put me exactly where it always puts me—nowhere. I need to change my strategy, I need to do rather than think. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I need to get sane; I need to change my strategy. Kathy, my wife, says that I waste more time thinking about the past than I do worrying about the future. I had to do more this time and before it’s too late. Last night while I was driving home from visiting my Dad, I did what I do whenever I get the opportunity; I listened to the hockey game on the radio. Thank God I was by myself, if Kathy were with me it would be NPR, not the Flyers. All of a sudden my brain tuned into a commercial during a break; “Are you feeling like your world is caving in around you? Do you ever feel like you can’t keep up or handle all the stress and pressure life has to offer? Are you overly anxious just trying to get through the day?” It was an ad for some new drug trial but that isn’t the point. The point is they were describing me! During the break between the 1st and 2nd periods another commercial seemed directly pointed at me; “Stuck in that same old job with nowhere to go? Does everyone around you seem to be advancing to new better paying positions?” The last straw was a commercial which suggested; “The pain and suffering of depression not only hurts you, but all around you.” During the 90 minute drive I had heard three very suggestive commercials. I felt like I was in a “Twilight Zone” episode or “A Christmas Carol” and had just had my visits by three ghosts. Why were the commercials describing me to a tee? How did they know I was having so much trouble in my life right now? I had to do something soon before I drove into a bridge abutment and made life easier for everyone! I had to change my life around and I had to do it now! As I thought about all of this, it dawned on me that I think well while driving. I have that uncanny ability to pay attention to the road around me, and still focus on my thoughts, and think through problems. Perhaps a road trip, visiting the people from my past was the answer to this downward spiral. It could be a chance to re-live a time when life seemed so much better. I’m a 47-year-old guy, married, and have two teenage boys. I’ve been a Naval Aviator, successful businessmen, and entrepreneur. A downsizing, a loss of financial backing, and a hand full of bad choices seemed to put my life in a downward spiral. I got angrier and angrier at myself and my situation, and this took its toll not only on me but on my family as well. It hasn’t always been like this, just the last 15 years or so. Bad choices after bad choice have seemed to pile up and I just can’t get back on track. My “Uncle” moment happened yesterday when I received my eighth rejection letter from the school where I have worked for the past four years. I’ve been working for the Marlford School District as a substitute hoping to get a regular full-time class assignment as soon as possible. But the writing on the wall has been as clear as crystal and I have just chosen not to read it. Like I said, I’ve been making bad choices. Perhaps I should have left that district after my third or fourth rejection letter. I am more than qualified for any of these positions. I chose to stick around because it is easy work and it fits our lifestyle. In January I applied for a position newly-listed on the district’s website. It was an interim position for the remainder of the year, replacing a special-education, elementary school teacher going on maternity leave. Its pay rate was at the current contract rate which is way more than I make as a substitute teacher. Perfect, I thought, and applied. My first hint that all wasn’t as it seemed was when I learned it was a kindergarten teacher position. Now while I am certified to teach kindergarten through twelfth grade, third grade is the youngest grade that I like to teach. There’s just something about spending my day on my hands and knees, tying shoes and wiping noses that doesn’t appeal to me. However, I thought that a foot in the door and a contract in hand would be more important than my desires, so, I let it ride. About three days before the position was supposed to begin, I received an e-mail from the personnel director’s secretary. There had been a misprint on the web page and the position was only for three months and not till the end of the school year. Was I still interested? I quickly grabbed a calendar and counted the days. Fifty-seven days. Contracts are only required if you teach in the same classroom for more than 60 days. So in this position I would not receive a contract, I would be given all the responsibilities of a full time teacher, and I would be paid at a daily substitute teacher rate instead of the contract rate. I wasn’t going to fall for this bait and switch again. Two years earlier I had filled a position for only 54 days. No contract was given and the school district got all the benefits of my degree and certifications and didn’t have to pay for them. So I said, “Since the position is only for 57 days, can I assume it’s not a contract position? If the position is not a contract position, please remove my name from consideration. However, if it is a contract, please consider me.” As it turned out, I assumed correctly and it was not offered as a contract position. Two weeks later, a non-certified substitute teacher filled the position at the daily rate of $75.00 per day.