Poetry for Animals

Preface

Dear reader:

You may well be wondering why this book of poetry is specifically for animals. It is because, sadly, my books Poetry for Potatoes, More Poetry for Potatoes, and even my multivolume set entitled Even More Poetry for Potatoes, Damn and Blast It have not done at all well in the marketplace (I blame the economy) and I have learned from my mistakes. Of course all poetry is for animals, really, which you will discover if you recite a poem to a cloud, a fungus, or some office furniture. They’re generally not very interested and you will probably find that the cloud will just drift away, the fungus will slowly rot, and the office furniture will look bored and expressionless. Animals, on the other hand, are usually very interested in poetry, although you have to pick your animal, and pick your moment of course. I wouldn’t attempt to recite a Shakespearean sonnet, for example, to a bear who is chasing you through the woods, even though the woods are an ideal setting for a poetry recitation. This is because no bear in all of history has ever thought to itself, “Because I am hearing such beautiful poetry I will not eat this tasty young person.” Poetry is not an appetite suppressant – unless it is a poem about earwax, projectile vomiting, or the billions of micro-organisms that live and breed on your food. Clearly the diet industry would do well to employ more poets, and possibly more bears in order to provide their clients with a compelling reason to exercise.

But I digress. Animals do enjoy poetry, but the animals who enjoy poetry most are the great apes and, among these, Homo sapiens are the clear winners. It is we humans who have learned to write, and to enjoy, both kinds of poetry. You may be thinking that the two kinds of poetry are poems that rhyme and poems that don’t but, especially if you are a child, you will agree with me that poems that don’t rhyme aren’t really poems at all. (Note that the classic work entitled A Children’s Book of Blank Verse does not exist.) This is because when you are a child and your mother reads to you at bedtime, if she tells you that she is going to read a poem, you know that you will hear rhyming words – every single time. If there are no rhyming words, then you know that your mother has chosen something else for your bedtime reading, such as a story, a shopping list, a prescription, a diary excerpt, or a ransom note.

(By the way, in order to challenge myself, I often write my diary excerpts, ransom notes, and grocery lists in rhyme, which is much trickier than it sounds. Take grocery lists: if I want jam, for instance, the only other things I can buy are ham, clam, lamb, and Spam because these are the only foods that rhyme with jam. And because I am a vegetarian, this puts me in rather a pickle – another food I can’t buy, because the only things that rhyme with pickle are nickel and sickle and, call me fickle, but I don’t eat coins or farming implements either.)

No, the two different kinds of poems are long poems and short poems, and you’ll be pleased to know that I have mastered both varieties. The definition of a short poem is one that takes under two minutes to read, whereas a long poem can keep going for decades and only ends when you plummet headlong into your grave. (Some people prefer to have long poems read to them, so that they can lie down with their eyes closed and their arms crossed over their chests – just in case.)

In this volume of poetry for animals you will find that the long poems, and even some of the short ones, have helpful study guides or questions after them. Do not be alarmed! Unlike most study guides, these are not meant to terrify and confuse, until the young reader starts slavering like a mad dog and gnawing bits out of Teacher's leg. (You know what I mean – surely you’ve had the experience of coming to the end of a poem about, say, a girl and her unicorn, only to be asked the question, “How did the author use the unicorn as a metaphor?” when all the time you thought the unicorn was used as a form of transportation.) No, the study guides included in this volume are meant both to spare Teacher's leg, and also to provide ever greater opportunities for pleasure and happiness.

It is my sincere hope that you enjoy these poems for animals, my animal friend, and that they might inspire you to take up pen and paper, chalk and blackboard, even stick and sandbox and to write some poems of your own.

Most Sincerely,

I. H. Smythe