The Achilles Effect

Boys will be boys. It’s a loaded phrase and one that I hear frequently in the schoolyard, at birthday parties, at baseball practice—anywhere that young boys get together to socialize or play. It is my disdain for this phrase that inspired me, in part, to write this book. There is a lot to dislike about this expression. It carries with it a sense of inevitability, inferring as it does that boys are innately inclined toward stereotypically masculine behaviour—that nature trumps nurture, so to speak. It offers an excuse for the negative behaviours that are assumed to characterize boyhood—fighting, yelling, pushing and shoving—while implying that aggression, rowdiness, and competitiveness are the truest signifiers of masculinity. “Boys will be boys” also draws a proverbial line in the sand, with boys on one side and girls on the other. Yes, girls and boys interact and play together and some may become good friends. But by the time they enter school, kids have gotten the message that boys and girls are fundamentally different and that the behaviour that is accepted in one group is not okay for the other. From choices about toys and clothes to their reactions to stress, children understand early on that there are certain expectations attached to their sex. For boys, those expectations are based on a very restrictive view of masculinity, defined by psychologist Ronald F. Levant as including: “the requirement to avoid all things feminine; the injunction to restrict one’s emotional life; the emphasis on achieving status above all else; the injunction to be completely self-reliant; [and] the emphasis on toughness and aggression…” The impact of this view of masculinity can be seen at a very young age in boys who are embarrassed to show affection, reluctant to admit they are scared, or ashamed to cry when hurt. As boys get older, stereotyped behaviours become further entrenched, as any observer of a schoolyard can tell you. Watching kids interact on the playground, it is not unusual to see boys using intimidating language and postures to show toughness and dominance. The situation does not improve for grown men. The emotional restraint they were taught as children often carries into adulthood, leaving them few outlets for their stress. Men feel consistent pressure to take on the role of provider. They are socialized to see their careers as the most important aspect of their lives and taught to believe that full-time employment is a sign of “successful masculinity” (a belief that many women share). Those who do not conform to the stereotype of the male breadwinner can experience a drop in self-esteem and a feeling that they have failed to become “real men”. Fathers who do not work—by choice or not—face another level of disapproval. In a study conducted by Yale University, stay-at-home fathers were ranked the worst parents in comparison to employed fathers, employed mothers and stay-at-home moms. The study also noted that fathers who stay home with the kids are viewed with disdain by employers, who assume that these men are incapable of finding work. An Australian study even noted that men who take on the primary caregiver role face strong negative reactions from their peers, with the implication being that those men have let their friends down. Increasingly, the precepts of traditional masculinity are also thought to have an impact on men’s physical health. Because concern for health is often seen as a feminine trait, many men are reluctant to visit the doctor or even ask questions when they are in their physician’s office. Lifestyle is another issue. Generally speaking, men engage in more health-damaging behaviours—higher alcohol consumption, more risky behaviour, less healthy diet, less interest in maintaining a healthy weight—than women, in part because such behaviours create the appearance of “manliness”. Traditional masculinity, as described by Levant, has deep roots. Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum note in The Courage to Raise Good Men that this narrow view of manhood has been with us since ancient times, first appearing in the stories of mythical heroes like Hercules, Jason and Achilles. As implied by the title, the story of Achilles has particular relevance to the subject of this book. This legendary warrior epitomized the hyper-masculine ideal that we encounter to this day in popular culture and our wider society: he was physically strong, angry and vengeful, and occasionally disdainful of the feminine influences in his life.