You Celebrate You

We are women who, like the Phoenix bird, find rebirth and rise after the death of our marriages as we believe them to be. We are renewed in our faith. We have learned to let go of the situations in our lives over which we have no control. We understand we have no control over the actions of others. We will accept that others may, or may not, be there to support us. We take responsibility for our lives and only our lives. We acknowledge there are some things we will never understand. We address the pain we are feeling. We let go of our grievances. We forgive ourselves and we forgive those who hurt us. We forgive, have closure and move forward. We turn to our faith and our spirituality. We learn to become active creators in our life. Somewhere in your past, you met, you married, you vowed before God ‘until death us do part…forsaking all others.’ You may have had children. You may have experienced ‘through sickness and health… for richer or poorer, for better or worse’, finding out that ‘worse’ is much more than you expected. You married, assuming and expecting your husband was heterosexual. You believed the circumstances surrounding your dating relationship and marriage were as they appeared. You believed your love was based on heterosexual love. Then, one day, the facts were exposed and your life was forever changed. We are all familiar with the mid-life crisis - the forty something man who needs to re-invent his life where, all too often, re-inventing means searching for new sexual excitement with other women. We do know if we awake one morning and find the love of our life is having an affair with another woman, as shattering as this may be to our self-esteem, there are avenues of support available. The tides are turned when, however, they are not searching for another woman but rather for another man. Where do we turn to then? As wives, we often feel ashamed to tell anyone. Let us reflect on the word ‘shame’ which is defined as ‘a strong emotion encompassing guilt and embarrassment.’ As women who discover our husbands are gay, we should not feel guilty or embarrassed. Now you might say, “I do not feel guilty.” However, if you are asking yourself, “How could I not have known?” that signifies guilt. When we allow others to ask us that same question we sometimes do not know how to respond. I have been asked, “How did you not know?” My answer is, “Why and how would I have known? Our life together was sexual and mirrored that of other heterosexual couples around us.” Others also ask, “Are you sure? He can’t really be gay?” Again, this focuses responsibility on us. We hear how dreadful and sad it is that they (gay men) must suffer and hide their true self, conforming to what society deems acceptable. What is sad is that society does not seem to grasp the gravity of what such a lie and such betrayal does to the straight spouse. When a gay man marries a woman, he is not honoring himself or his wife. This is not to say that he does not love the woman he married, but rather that the union of marriage with a woman is not what is compatible with his inner feelings. Once a woman becomes aware of his sexual identity, she then knows what the issue is and that something needs to change. But, what do you do? How do you do it?