The Fusion Family

Preface How can you prepare for and plan the best possible way for a blended family to succeed? What kinds of challenges, problems, and pitfalls will you encounter and how do you solve these issues with blended families? How do you as a blended family stand with regard to your exes and their families, and society in general? We are a blended family consisting of: Charlotte 42 years old, Jegwan 41 years old, and our four kids: Oscar 17 years old, Andrea 15 years old, Nicklas 14 years old, and Jonas 11 years old. We have been a blended family now for seven years. Our experience with the many challenges we have encountered, which we have also discussed with other fusion families, is described in this book. We would now like to share these experiences with you. On behalf of our blended family, Charlotte wrote and composed the challenging and sometimes all encompassing task of describing the blended family including, for example, the relationships with the ex and the rest of society. For a better understanding of whom we refer to, we have defined the common words we use as a blended family, such as “the other parent’s house,” “the real parent,” and “the ex” throughout this book. With this book, we hope to inspire and help people who are entering into or who are already in a blended family - especially the single person with kids who meets a new partner and the person without kids who meets a new partner with kids. We will also discuss parents who would like to move in together and families that are already blended. We will also offer advice towards solutions of specific problems and inspiration for a less bumpy road towards success in your blended family. How do you refer to your partner’s kids? How do you refer to yourself with regard to them? We say “fusion kids” and our new roles as “fusion parents.” “Step” is NOT a part of our vocabulary; neither is the phrase “bonus kid” which is commonly used in Denmark. We made the conscious choice to use the word “fusion” instead of “step”. The word fusion makes us both smile because we think the word is humorous, descriptive, objective, and up-to-date in a time of increased fusion by companies etc. Think about all the energy created by the fusion of atoms! Our hope is that people refer to us as a fusion family with fusion kids – a real Atom Family. We spiced up this book with our own experiences and reflections. There are also interviews and effective coaching tools. We also hope you read this book from beginning to end, since it is written chronologically by time events and includes a diverse set of problems and challenges you may encounter in your blended family. Our book can also be used as a reference book, if you prefer. Enjoy! Charlotte Egemar Kaaber and Jegwan Kaaber Introduction The blended family, often including two sets of kids and respective exes, is almost as common as the “nuclear” or “regular” family. Hurt feelings, jealousy, feelings of guilt, pick-up scheduling, exes, finances, up-bringing issues, habits, traditions – these are all part of the baggage you accept when you blend families. I think a lot of people realize that is it incredibly difficult and challenging to get a blended family to function well. The challenges are totally different from those in nuclear families. Complex emotions occur, some of which you never thought existed and therefore never had to deal with. It’s a big personal challenge to become a fusion parent to another person’s child and you will discover aspects of your own personality you never knew you had before. I hope when you read this book that you will smile, recognize yourself in the situations described, and think, “Yes, I have felt the same way.” But most of all, I hope you will listen to your inner voice, which guides your true feelings. In order to eliminate any confusion, I will define the terminology I have used throughout this book: The Fusion family is used instead of stepfamily. Fusion mom/dad/kids is used instead of step mom/dad/kids. The ex refers to previous a partner or spouse. The other parent is used by the kids to refer to their biological mom/dad. The other parent household is used to describe the kids’ biological mom/dad from whom you are divorced and her/his new partner. The real parent is used when the fusion mom/dad is mentioned or compared to the biological mom/dad. The parents are used as a common referral to the fusion parents and the parents in the blended family or for all the adults in both parent households. Before you move in together There are many things to consider when you meet someone who has kids, regardless of your own parental status. You have to decide if you want to buy the “whole package” which includes both your new partner AND their kids. And if you do want that, your responsibility to invest time in and give attention to your partner’s kids is necessary, regardless of your feelings towards them. Are you ready to take on the responsibility of becoming a parent to your partner’s kids, even if you don’t have any children of your own? Of course, the framework and content of your new role as a fusion parent is dependant on the ages of the kids. How do you see yourself in this role? How will you define it and what will it contain? If you are a parent yourself, your greatest challenge is probably the upbringing of the kids and discovering how much “space” the kids will take in your respective lives as partners. In this chapter, I will make suggestions on how to plan and make it easier to get through this introductory phase towards a blended family life. I’m going to meet my partner’s kids! If you have already met your partner’s kids, you might recognize the situations described below. If you have not met the kids yet, hopefully the following chapters will give you an idea of how to handle the first few encounters. The day has arrived and you and your partner have decided it’s time to meet the kids. I’m sure you are tense and have memorized their ages, best friends’ names, hobbies, what they like to do in their spare time, favorite food, etc. You are ready and extremely motivated for your first and most important investment in the process towards your new and blended life together. My own experience: Many of you might recognize the above-described situation. I certainly remember the enormous demands and expectations that I put upon myself hoping to make a good impression on my new partner’s kids. I tried to appear calm, enthusiastic, and extroverted, with a great sense of humor. However, deep inside I felt very nervous and had stage fright during the entire meeting. I was constantly evaluating the way things were playing out. My inner voice said “Relax, its just kids.” However, I knew my relationship with the kids was paramount for a successful new blended family life. The first meetings with my new partner’s kids If you have kids yourself, it’s a good idea to have them stay at home or get a sitter for the first couple of times you meet your new partner’s kids. Conduct the meetings outside your partner’s home in a place where the kids will be independent of the adults and have a good time. Letting the meeting take place outside the home will reduce your feelings of obligation and might help to lessen your “stage fright.” It will make you more relaxed, so you can be yourself and enjoy building the new relationship, being aware of all the impressions you will receive. You will feel less pressure to “perform.” When both you and your new partner feel comfortable with the results of these first meetings, you can then have the meetings take place at your partner’s home, if possible. You will then be able to talk to the kids alone, see their rooms, and get to know them on their turf. When your kids meet your partner’s kids My own story: The first meeting my kids, Nicklas and Jonas, had with my partner’s kids, Oscar and Andrea, took place in my apartment. Jegwan and I planned this meeting in