A Wounded Daughter’s Survival

The pond that appeared clear on the surface was stirred, revealing the murky, dirty water underneath. At age forty-six, I experienced a trigger event that brought all the repressed memories from my childhood to the surface. These were memories of survival, and they were not pleasant. That is why I had buried them so far back in my mind; I never wanted to face them. It hurt to be forced to confront the past because of the shame I had always felt. However, I determined to set out on a journey to revisit the things that brought trauma and hurt to my life and to reach a destination of healing and peace. The purpose of this journey, taken completely with God’s guidance, is to reveal the truth regarding my childhood. I chose to do this for my family’s sake as well as my own. One of the things I discovered is that I was not alone in my struggles. It’s easy to feel like you are the only one experiencing such intense wounds and no one will understand how you feel, but that is false. The reality is completely the opposite. In fact, through much reading, studying, mentoring, and help from people close to me, I have discovered that what I went through as a child is actually more of an epidemic in our society than a rarity. The specific situations a child experiences may be vastly different, but the emotional damage is universal. All parents need to evaluate the emotional legacy they are passing on to their children. An emotional connection between parent and child that validates a child’s feelings is an essential ingredient for healthy development. Many children inherit a lifetime of pain and damage because of the emotional desert they are raised in. As a parent, do your actions and words convey to your children that they are a treasure you value greatly? Or do your actions and words say that you are indifferent and do not really care one way or the other about the child’s presence in the family? Or do you convey to your child that you would rather he or she was never born at all? A simple test can bring to light some areas of family life that may require change. Do the prevailing actions of all family members consistently provide your child with an atmosphere of love, compassion, empathy, self-control, gentleness, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, joy, and peace? Or is your family life better described by the presence of one or more of these on a daily basis: strife, anger, discontent, frustration, unhappiness, hopelessness, adultery, harshness, wrath, idolatry, hatred, bitterness, criticism, scorn, or bickering? If these negative traits are more prevalent in your family life than the positive ones, you can be assured that some changes need to be made. If negative traits are a major part of their childhood, your children will reap the damage of a hurtful emotional legacy and inherit a lifetime of pain. If you were a child who grew up in a family where emotional abuse was abundant, you can relate to the pain it brings to your life. If the damaging environment is not eradicated and healing is not allowed to begin for children living in this kind of pain, their chances of going on to lead productive, functional adult lives are slim to none. In my life, I reached a point where I needed to find freedom from my childhood emotional damage. My husband provided the help and encouragement necessary for me to begin the process. After a time of searching through my childhood and writing down the things that hurt and damaged me, I gained an understanding of the abnormal emotional circumstances of my life. This understanding, in turn, became part of the healing process. Sharing my experiences of survival, discovery, and healing with others who hurt in similar ways provides hope that a functional future is indeed possible, even for those raised under abusive circumstances. I lived through many damaging and sometimes violent encounters in my formative years, all of which included overwhelming feelings of rejection by both my parents. Facing the past and telling the story brings understanding and healing; it changes the family legacy for the better for future generations. I choose to have a forgiving heart filled with thankfulness. Without the pain, I would have no story to tell or hope to offer. The experiences I lived through made me a better, stronger, and wiser person. To put the past in the proper perspective and gain functional ways of dealing with the pain and distortion, I needed help from a counselor. In my counselor’s professional opinion, because of the many things I experienced in childhood, my life was set up to be very different from the way it actually turned out. Things I lived through are devastating and damaging to a child and usually lead to a very abnormal adult life. According to the norm for my circumstances, I should be on my fourth or fifth marriage, but instead I have been married to the same wonderful guy for over thirty years. I should be addicted to alcohol and/or drugs, but I use neither. No detrimental habits were allowed to take control of my life—I was never even tempted to go there. Instead of all the bad I was headed for, I have experienced a life rich and abundant in blessings and miracles. I have discovered much on the journey back through my life, and I understand better than ever how vital it is that parents meet their children’s emotional and spiritual needs. I hope by sharing my experience with childhood emotional abuse, I can bring healing to people who also hurt from emotional damage. Maybe through increased awareness, some emotional injury can be prevented from occurring at all. The journey I relate has brought healing to my life, repairing childhood wounds from emotional abuse. In addition to the bad memories, numerous moments of thankfulness throughout the years have been brought to my remembrance. Reminders of many life-changing experiences were magnified, along with the positive impact they had. And there was one prevailing hope I clung to that guaranteed my survival, a truth to life that makes everything about it wonderful and worthwhile. My exploration has brought a renewed awareness of why my life is peaceful, happy, and content. It is no mystery, and I want to shine light on what gives life meaning and purpose and provides hope where there is need. I share events of my life that are neither embellished nor diminished but are an honest representation of the truth regarding things I felt and experienced. This is my story.