Hitler’s Ashes

Heisenberg was more than a little irked when a courier brought him a message from Reinhart to visit him in his quarters. “Most urgent. You will not be disappointed,” the message read. Very well. But what could be “most urgent” on a Saturday night? Heisenberg made the short trip to the major’s quarters with mixed feelings. His knock on the door was immediately answered by a smiling Major Rinehart. “Come in, Werner, this won’t take long, and then we can go to the Saturday night festivities. Please, sit down. I found an excellent Gewürztraminer and some specially aged Edam cheese at Ohrdruf. Had to spend a lot of money on this, and I didn’t buy it at a regular store, either.” “You invited me here for wine and cheese, Johann?” That slightly exasperated tone he had used on his old friend earlier in the day emerged again, and again he instantly regretted it. Rinehart ignored this and continued. “Yes, Werner, but this is a special kind of cheese.” He carried a tray of wine and cheese from the kitchen. The tray held the bottle of wine, two glasses, and two items covered with towels. Very curious, thought Heisenberg. “This,” Rinehart said with mock seriousness, “is atomic cheese.” “Atomic cheese?” “Yes, atomic cheese.” Rinehart removed the two towels. Heisenberg saw that one of the pieces of cheese was a large, round ball of Edam from which a cone-shaped piece had been cut. The other piece of cheese was cone shaped. “And now, Professor,” continued Rinehart, “please give me your very best nuclear physicist opinion. What would happen if this piece of atomic cheese,” he held up the cone-shaped piece, “was rammed into this piece of cheese” He slammed the cone-shaped piece of cheese into the space left in the ball of Edam, “with great force?” Heisenberg understood immediately. He was amazed that the solution was so simple. He was also slightly humiliated, not only because he and the rest of his highly educated team had not come up with this idea, but because an army officer, with no background in nuclear physics, had. “I think,” Heisenberg said, pausing for dramatic effect. “I think there would be a very, very big explosion.” “You think so, Werner?” “Yes, Johann, I think so. Goddamn right, I think so.” He was surprised at his use of profanity, because he had rarely sworn in his life. But now it seemed quite appropriate. Heisenberg took a deep breath and let it out audibly. “Johann, I think I will have that glass of Gewürztraminer you offered me earlier.” “My pleasure, Werner.” Rinehart poured them each a glass. “What shall we drink to, Werner?” “I’m not sure, old friend. We both know what this means.” “Yes. Having the nuclear bomb might very well win the war for us, but at a terrible cost. Suppose we drink to ‘uncertainty’ and leave it at that.” “To ‘uncertainty,’ then. Now, I think we should go to our Saturday night festivities. We’re going to start work on this tomorrow morning, and I want everyone to be reasonably sober.”