Treat Your Partner Like a Dog:

Treat Your Partner Like A Dog: How to Breed a Better Relationship “Oh, you are such a love! Come here you sweet thing! Kiss, kiss.” Isn’t love wonderful? It’s so nice to hear people expressing themselves in such affectionate ways! But too often the recipient of all this devotion is our dog, not our human companion. We Americans have a love affair with our dogs. Dog care, supplies, and accessories are now a thriving multi-billion dollar industry. There are more than sixty-one million dogs in the United States , and a dog resides in more than thirty-six percent of U.S. households. There are dog designer clothing lines, dog strollers, doggie day cares, dog parks, dog hotels with videos in the “guest” suites and swimming pools, dog acupuncturists, dog masseuses, dog psychiatrists, and even birthday parties for dogs. I don’t know about you, but if there is reincarnation, I’d like to come back as a dog! Although we spend enormous time and money to pamper and please our dogs, often we don’t put nearly as much time and effort into caring for our domestic relationships. Forty to fifty percent of all first marriages, and sixty to seventy percent of all second marriages end in divorce. Couples workshops often go begging for participants, while dog obedience and puppy training classes are filled to capacity and frequently have waiting lists. More than forty-two percent of dog owners allow their dogs to sleep in their bedrooms, many positioned right between their humans. Isn’t that romantic? In my therapy practice I’ve actually had people say they would rather have their dog in bed with them than their mate! I am convinced that many of the same strategies we use to relate to our dogs can improve our domestic relationships. The most common complaints I hear from couples involve receiving too little attention, time, affection, and positive strokes from each other. In other words, they receive treatment that isn’t fit for a dog! If you find yourself doing any of the following, think about how to treat your partner more like your dog: •You talk to your dog more than to your partner. •You lavish your dog with more hugs and kisses and cuddles than you give your partner. •You smile and laugh more with your dog than your partner. •You plan when and what you will feed your dog, but scarcely consider what you will fix for your partner’s dinner. •You sleep closer to your dog than to your partner. •You buy toys and treats for your dog, but seldom reward your partner with a spontaneous little surprise gift. •You worry about your dog’s daily exercise, while your partner’s health may be compromised with too little exercise and too much food, alcohol, or stress. •You take more photos of your dog than of your partner, and your dog’s image is prominently displayed on your cell phone or computer. • If we could only put the same amount of thought and concern into our romantic relationships that we do for our dogs! Who knows, maybe the divorce rate would decline if we just said the equivalent of “good dog” to each other more often. Emphasize the Positive (Positive Reinforcement) When I take my dog, Nelson, to the dog park here is what happens: I throw a ball for him to fetch. Nelson responds by dutifully bringing back the ball (well, some of the time anyway). Each time that Nelson returns the ball, I say “Good job,” or “good dog!” I may even say, “You’re wonderful” and “I love you!” Often I give him a treat for cooperating. Let’s face it, Nelson is not bringing me money or doing my ironing, yet I shower him with positive attention. How often do we use this system of reinforcement and positive rewards with our partner? Do we offer thanks and gratitude when our partner does the laundry, washes the car, or fixes a tasty meal? Do we shower our mate with compliments as we do with our dog? All too often our humans are the ones going begging for attention. Eliminate the Negative (No Negative Reinforcement) When Nelson makes a mistake, such as chewing up a shoe or digging in the garden, principles of dog training tell me that I am supposed to reprimand swiftly at the time of the bad behavior and then switch gears back to positive mode. The idea is for Nelson to think of himself as a GOOD dog and not have a negative self-image. In this way, Nelson will want to please me because I offer praise and rewards while I minimize his mistakes. In other words, I don’t go back and rub his nose in it. If only couples could get over their grievances as easily! Some of the couples I see in my practice have memories like elephants when it comes to things their partner did wrong. Often, one person is shocked to find that his partner still harbors resentment about something that occurred years ago. Holding grudges and being quick to criticize and blame are just a few of the ways we practice negative reinforcement in our relationships. Is your dog the only one in the household who receives constant praise and a minimum of criticism? If so, it’s time to treat your human at least as well as your dog!