Conversations with My Daughter

"Hi darling. What are you looking at? It looks like a lot of pictures of boys."

"It's a pre-teen dating site. There just aren't any interesting men in my junior high school, so this expands my dating pool."

"Now I'm curious. What do they say on there?"

"I've picked out some of the more interesting ones. Look at him. Isn't he hot!"

"He looks like he's in his thirties. Is that a switchblade in his hand?"

"He might have gotten left back a few times. Look at his profile."

(Reading) "Dangerous misfit with a violent criminal record looking for young innocent chick who likes bad boys. Sexual experience preferred but not necessary. My God in heaven--"

"He's cute, but he still lives with his mother. Here's another one." (Reading) "Steaming hot jock with a knack for knocking up girlfriends, looking for innocent young babe with a great body and large, firm knockers who wants to lose the stigma of her purity. I enjoy long walks on the beach until it gets too dark for the cops to find us nestled together up in the sand dunes in a disorderly pile of our own clothing--Daddy, doesn't he sound romantic?"

"He sounds totally unacceptable. Here; let me see if I can find the local police web site. Or do you have some kind of phone app that will make it easier to alert the federal authorities about this dangerous misfit?"

"Here's a nice boy who was arrested for assaulting an entire nursing home. Or--"

"Wait. Scroll back a minute. There, look at that one. He might be somebody worth considering."

(Reading.) "Honor roll student who hasn't reached puberty yet looking for scripture-reading partner. I enjoy chess, reading ahead in my school books, French Club and religious fellowship meetings. Hobbies include stamp collecting and tending my mutual fund portfolio. Copies of my chastity pledge available upon request. Daddy, don't you think he's a little too... boring for me?"

"I think you should give him a try. I'll bet he's a really good hand-holder."

"You think so?"

"Definitely."