The Alexander Antidote

In case you haven’t noticed, people are everywhere. They come in all kinds of shapes, sizes and colors. While there are many differences to be found among the people of the world, amazing similarities can be identified as well. The extent of their similarities or differences usually depends on the context of ministry. When a pastor enters the local church ministry, he cannot always predict the impact a person might have on the ministry, but he can be certain that it will happen. People can be the source of joy as well as heartache for the pastor. The joy that comes through a meaningful relationship is one of the richest blessings for a pastor. On the other hand, people can say and do things that can crush a spirit or destroy a dream. One soon learns that it takes a lot of hard work to build a healthy relationship even within the boundaries of the church. In today’s society one might get the impression that building strong relationships is important, as seminars and books abound on the subject. However, despite these efforts, people regularly express the need for help in their relationships. History suggests that we still have much to learn. Countries continue to be at war over issues because of leaders that are unable or unwilling to negotiate mutual concerns. Communities are split with neighbor against neighbor since we haven’t taken the time to get to know each other. Divorce is occurring at an all time high, often times, due to the simple fact that we do not communicate and the problems go on and on. It is true that relationship building is challenging, especially if one of the persons involved is what one might call a “difficult” person. Some have asked me questions like “where does a difficult person come from?” and “why are some people so difficult to work with?” Obviously, a person who is difficult for me might not be so difficult for you. Regardless, for simplicity sake, let me say that a person is difficult when he or she demonstrates at least one of the following characteristics: a negative spirit, a bad attitude, a continued lack of cooperation, an unwillingness to work toward the resolving of mutual problems, a you versus me mentality or the pushing of a personal agenda over against the consensus of a group. Difficult people are not absent from the church either. Clergy and laity alike have testified to the destructive efforts of people who expect things to go their way. Those leaders, especially pastors, who have tried to cope with the presence of a difficult person have discovered that the outcome is not always good. Why does this happen? Why do we find ourselves in these kinds of predicaments? How can we get at the heart of understanding the dynamics of working with people in ways that will benefit everyone? Perhaps we need to understand that our pattern of working with people begins long before the actual encounter.