Beyond Surviving

Welcome

Welcome to Beyond Surviving! I first want to acknowledge you for making the choice to begin this journey of recovery. I personally know how difficult and confronting it can be to look at the areas of your life that, sometimes, you wish you could pretend weren’t there. By simply admitting “I need this,” you have already taken a huge step toward freedom. Before we get started, I want to share with you a bit of my story and how Beyond Surviving came to be.

I grew up in a fairly small town in Oklahoma, and when I was five years old, my grandfather came to live with my family. I often helped my mom and dad take care of him. I would do simple little things like taking him a bowl of cereal, keeping him company, or reading to him. He was a friend and a quiet companion, up until the day he began abusing me when I was ten years old.

Fortunately, when my parents discovered what was happening, they immediately removed him from our home. Not so fortunately, they weren’t quite sure how to support me and help me make sense of what had happened.

My teen years were, as I am sure many of you can relate to, difficult and full of fears about my self-worth and value. I was also confused about relationships and intimacy and felt very alone much of the time, like no one could really understand me.

During my early twenties, I decided enough was enough and began doing all of the things we usually do when we want to get over something—talking to friends, seeing a therapist, reading books. By my late twenties, I was better but was still going around and around the same mountain of self-doubt, anger, acting out, and nonexistent boundaries.

I remember very distinctly the day in 2005 when the thought occurred to me, “I don’t want to just survive my life, I want to live it!” That thought stirred something deep inside of me, and I set out to discover how I could live a powerful, authentic life free from the burdens and patterns of thought and behavior that result from abuse.

So, I began reading, talking with others who had been abused, and reflecting on what lessons had really made a difference in my recovery up to that point. I realized that I had come to understand the abuse as an experience, that I had drawn the connections between the abuse and my current behavior—for example, I could explain why I didn’t trust others. However, there was one critical question that was not being answered by any of the books, therapists, or friends: “So, what do I do about it?!”

Beyond Surviving is my answer to that question. It is the culmination of everything I have learned along the way either by experience or through completing my master’s in counseling psychology.

I am extremely honored to share my story and to be a part of your journey, and I know there are great things in store for us!

The Philosophy of Beyond Surviving

In the world of recovery, there has been a shift from using the word “victim” to “survivor” when describing those who have been abused. This shift shows up in all areas of abuse: domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, and physical abuse.

This new label was chosen in order to convey strength, to empower, and to embolden us as we begin the journey of recovery. The intent was also to distinguish between the moment of the abuse (victim) and that of the present existence and experience (survivor).

Moving from victim to survivor is an important step in recovery. During this phase, we reflect upon the experience, actively engage in facing and owning what happened, and recognize the connections between the abuse and the way we feel, think, or behave. However, this recognition and sense of empowerment is not enough. While “survivor” is a much better label than “victim,” it does not go far enough in framing an identity that leads to a thriving and powerful life.

Imagine with me for a moment that our abuse experience has left a scrape on our knee, like one we might get by falling down on a concrete sidewalk. This scrape, for many of us, remains unhealed for years and years. At times, we may bandage and tend to the wound, but we never fully recover. Worse, we come to believe it never can be healed.

Now, in the case of a scrape, the skin does eventually heal and leave a scar. We look at our knee, see the scar, and remember that day when we were wounded. Yet we do not feel all of the pain or other emotions that occurred at the moment we were hurt. Nor do we continue to compensate for the wound by changing our behavior, such as not fully bending our knee for fear of reopening the wound.

I strongly believe that the wounds of abuse can be healed and looked backed upon in this same way. We can see the scar that was created, but do not feel the pain, need to compensate for, or constantly re-bandage the wound. However, this requires another shift, from survivor to beyond surviving. For that reason, I use the term “beyond survivor” to describe myself, and it is my hope that you will come to describe yourself this way as well.

With this simple shift in language and labeling, the objectives and goals of recovery shift as well. My aim is to support you in reaching a place where you no longer feel it is necessary to manage behaviors or cope with thoughts and feelings that have resulted from abuse. Rather, you will gain insights and skills that make it possible for you to live an abundant, powerful life that is no longer mired in the past. You will see the scar, but you will no longer feel wounded.