Living in Uncertainty, Living with Spirit

I had been fired only that afternoon. An administrator from the head office called me on the phone and told me to come to headquarters where he would give me my severance pay and my marching orders. I was not to return. I asked if I could go to my office to collect all my belongings including an extensive sand tray collection of miniatures. I was a therapist working with abused children. He agreed to that request and an hour or so later I turned up at his door. He led me to me to a large empty conference room where he sat at the head of a long table and I sat somewhere towards the middle. Without any explanation he shoved an envelope stuffed with dollars and got ready to get up. I was filled with anxiety as I did not have a clue why I had been fired. My mind was racing as I tried to find a reason myself and I felt aggressive towards his alpha-male approach to my difficulty. I asked him why and true to form he gave me administrative babble: “Oh we are just doing a reshuffle of staff at the office …” etc. His lying cover-up was transparent to me and I became quite angry inside. Right at that moment, I glanced out the door. You see, there was a door open to a rather lush English garden. Just as I was about to launch an attack, a most beautiful peacock strolled past the door. A moment had arrived! Something unusual happened. Something intruded in on the familiar scene of my being rejected, having the truth withheld etc. I now had a choice as a free individual. And I felt the freedom in that moment. I could have easily ignored, dismissed, or erased the presence of that peacock and return to the familiar world of separation (e.g. me opposite the administrator) or I could step into my task of participation with a new world, with all the consequences that follow … I turned to my adversary and said, “A beautiful peacock, do you have many here?” He laughed and said, “Yes, when they call out like that we think it is children screaming.” And so the moment passed. I simply picked up my severance pay and said goodbye. I felt quite calm and in a strange way reconciled with the decision to fire me. A strange and unfamiliar meaning had intruded at just the moment I was going to let fly with my anger but instead focussed my attention on the unusual event of the appearance of the peacock. I listened and so did the administrator. What we each heard taught me that we belonged in different worlds. I had no part to play in his and he knew nothing about mine. The peacock with its strange uncanny, piercing voice was quickly assimilated by the administrator to his familiar world: a world in which the children are screaming. He of course heads an agency that intends to do something about that screaming, not noticing that he becomes blind to anything else the children may be doing, such as getting better. In this way so many institutional structures perpetuate themselves at the expense of the very individuals they intend to serve. On the other hand I heard a call. I did not know the meaning of the call but I knew it to be one. I felt pulled by that call and my familiar world of feeling victimized and aggressively defensive dropped away. Most importantly, I acted on the basis of that call. I shook the administrator’s hand and walked into the unknown future. I knew where I did not belong and I stepped into uncertainty. On the basis of immediate experience, I felt the spiritual reality that infused the moment with the peacock and I answered the call. I had a moment of great uncertainty and I lived a moment with spirit. (from the Introduction)