Chapter 6
Escaping the Strappado
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
For Example
I once had a client who was in a bitter prolonged court battle that was robbing him of peace of mind, focus at work, joy in life and sleep at night. In other words, he was miserable. He seemed willing to do anything to get his life back on track, and he identified family happiness as a primary goal. The legal case was hung up, nothing was happening, so we dug into the situation. What would it take to get things moving? Because of the complexity of the situation, it could be argued from both sides into eternity. There seemed no way forward. Then we looked at it again. What did the other party want? A sum of money, an amount which he could easily pay. So what if he paid it? It would mean letting go of being right. Could he do it? It turned out it wasn’t the money or the other party that was creating his agony. It was him. The need to be right was exacting its toll.
Expanding on that thought
The strappado is an instrument of torture that Don Quixote and Sancho come across in their travels. A person is hung by a strap in a way that his or her feet almost, but not quite, touch the ground so that the victim is “…deceived in the hope that with just a little more stretching they will reach the ground.” Desperately striving for purchase, the poor soul works to be freed from the suffering in vain.
While a heinous crime when perpetrated on another, how even more horrendous is it when we do this to ourselves. Straps can take many forms. We can get tied up if we lack the skills to communicate effectively, set boundaries, delegate, manage time, prioritize, or plan. All of these are things we do regularly, and often we don’t stop to reflect on how we are doing. These things become habits. We find ourselves in the same situations over and over:
•Tom has a great idea for a new project so he schedules a meeting one week out and, alas, confusion reigns – the room reserved isn’t large enough, the projector is missing, half the people don’t show up. Tom leaves the meeting frustrated, the good idea dies, he loses, his colleagues lose, the company loses
•Sally realizes she’s booked a business trip the same week as our daughter’s ballet recital – the day before she is to fly off.
•Marg is confident in her team, or so she thinks, but she finds herself up past midnight many nights checking and double-checking reports and presentations – how many times does she have to show them how to do a PPT slide?
•Jeff doesn’t really have time to organize the group’s annual outing. His new assignment is taking all of his work hours and his new daughter is his top choice for his after-work hours. But since he’s done it before, everyone just assumes he’ll be doing it again. Stewing and fretting, he watches as everyone heads off for lunch while he starts sorting through venue proposals and menu options.
•Steve has to finish his performance plan by 5 p.m. On the drive to work, he assures himself it will be the first thing he does. But upon reaching his desk, Barb is waiting with a question about the new marketing software, Colin stops by to vent about the new reporting requirements, and IT commandeers his laptop for over an hour to load upgrades. At 4:30, Steve throws some words together, a rehash of last year’s plan, and hits the send button.
We tighten the ropes when we fail to exercise, eat right, sleep, laugh, or manage personal finances. Oh, yes, that big old debt strap has had many a hapless creature doing the strappado shuffle for an entire lifetime.
•Devon looks in the mirror. Who is that? At 30, he barely resembles the college golfer he once was – lean and angular. He’s gone soft everywhere and even his hairline is starting to betray him. A half hour at the gym wouldn’t kill him, would it? But it’s been a hard day. And tonight’s the final episode of his favorite reality show. He pops a beer and plops his bottom on the couch.
•Noel opens the mail with dread. The new number on the Visa card is enough to make her head spin. With her current rate of payment, she’ll be retired before it’s paid off. She just can’t bear to deal with it now though. There will be time. She texts Emma to invite her to the new sushi bar at the mall – they can get 2-for-1 teasers and then do a little shopping after. The fashion blog she follows had posted about a new mascara that she’s just got to check out.
•Lawrence rolls his eyes and pushes ahead. What is wrong with people? Everyone texting, paying no attention to one another, lost in their headphones. Walking or driving, it was all the same – rude people. Such a miserable world. He’s 45, at the top of his game professionally, plenty of money in the bank and a solid retirement. That’s enough. Screw all those other losers.
Do any one these straps sound familiar? How do we break them? Let’s start by identifying the straps in our lives. To identify what is sucking our energy without getting us anywhere, let’s begin by thinking about what worries us. What is your greatest fear?
If you make one thing in your life disappear, just go away right now, what would that be?
Now re-read what you just wrote above. What is the first “but” that comes to mind? That is, finish this sentence…
But I can’t get rid of that because…
Now take the condition or lack that is holding you back and assume you had it. What would you do?
But if that weren’t the case, if I had (_______) or didn’t have (______), I would…
What part of that “I would”, even if only a very teeny tiny small infinitesimal fraction, is it within your power to do now? Then do that.