Deadeye Gus

At exactly 12:15, Gordon Pruitt wandered across the veranda, and plopped down in the chair across the table from Gus. As usual, his hair appeared as if he had just rolled out of bed and hadn’t combed it. He was wearing one of his signature cheap looking Hawaiian print shirts. His unkempt, unprofessional look was unfortunately overshadowed by the nearly overwhelming smell of practically bathing in his favorite cologne, “Drakkar Noir.” Before Gus could say anything, Gordo annoyingly picked up the saltshaker, placed it on its side, and started spinning it with his index finger. Salt began spewing across the table. Without looking up from the shaker, he said, “So Barbie, it looks like you are going to be working for me for a while.” Gus’ face immediately turned red. She snatched the saltshaker and set it upright next to the peppershaker. “Look Gordon, my name is Kelli, or Gus if you prefer. If you want to be formal, you may address me as Detective Gustafson. I don’t answer to anything else, and let’s get this straight up front, I am going to be working with you, not for you.” An amused look suddenly appeared on Gordon Pruitt’s face. “I go by Gordo, but you can call me just about anything. I am low maintenance, as opposed to some people sitting at this table. Look, don’t get your pompoms all up in a bunch right off the bat. We both know exactly why they stuck you with me.” Gus held her hands out palms up. “Well then, by all means, please elaborate, Gordo.” “You are with me because they hope that finally someone just might be smart enough to be able to absorb some of my brilliance. I am sure…” Just then, a waiter wearing a nametag with “Ty” handwritten on it set down two glasses of ice water on the table. The hipster-looking young man wearing black skinny jeans and sporting a pointed beard attempted to hand Gordo a menu. Gordo crossed his arms and frowned at the man, “I don’t need that, Ty. I’ve been here before, so I have already memorized your altogether pedestrian gustatory selections.” Ty smiled, apparently not understanding the insult, and handed Gus a menu. He said to Gus, “I’ll give you a few minutes to make your…” Gordo interrupted him, “How’s the liver today?” and took a long sip of his ice water. The young man smiled and answered Gordo politely, “I wouldn’t know, dude, I don’t eat seafood.” Gordo immediately snorted a mouthful of ice water out of his nose all over the table. After wiping his nose and face, he asked, “Ty, you know liver is not seafood, right?” “Ty shrugged, unfazed. “I’m just sayin’.” Gordo pressed him, “Oh my God, you are serious! What school system did you possibly gradu…” Gus blurted, “Stop Gordo! Enough!” She turned to Ty. “Please give us a few minutes, okay?” Ty smiled and walked away. Gus scolded, “Gordo, you can’t treat people that way!” Gordo looked at Gus with a genuine confused look on his face. “Why not?” “Because…because you just can’t! Why do you think you aren’t already a police chief somewhere with that brilliant mind of yours? Why do you think people avoid you at all costs?” Gordo blinked. “People avoid me?” “Yes, they do! Like the plague, I’m afraid.” Gordo continued to look surprised. Suddenly it hit Gus. Gordo really had no idea that people avoided him. The brilliant man was clueless that his behavior completely alienated people. He was so annoying, that no one even bothered to tell him. They just stayed away from him. Usually as far away as possible. Gus suddenly had an idea that just might turn Gordo into a no-lose situation for her. She was unsure if it would work, but she was willing to give it a shot. She leaned forward, and spoke softly, “Tell you what, Gordo, I have a proposal. You help me, I help you.” Gordo took a sip of ice water, considered what he just heard and grinned. “Oooo, a proposition, and this is only our first lunch! Maybe we should…” Gus barked, “Can it, Gordo. If you go there, I knock out your teeth. Got it?” Gordo stopped grinning and crossed his arms. Now that she had Gordo’s attention, Gus continued, “Like I said, you help me, and I help you. For your part, you teach me how to be a detective. You give me tips. You help me as your partner. Starting right now, I am your equal who just happens to need educating in all things detective. During all this, you treat me with respect.” Gordo leaned back in his chair and narrowed his eyes. “So what do I get in return?” ”You get to learn how to be a normal, functioning adult that people don’t try to avoid. From this time forward, when you start stepping off the asshole cliff, I’ll let you know. I’ll help you reach your potential without embarrassing you.” “So, Miss Manners, how do you propose to do that? “Anytime you start to fall off the normal person wagon, I’ll give you a signal. Some signal that only you and I know. Once I give you the signal, you stop whatever heinously annoying thing it is that you are doing. Then, once you and I are alone, I’ll help you understand why what you did was irritating, or just wrong, or…” “Or what?” It was Gus’ turn to cross her arms. “…Or I leave you alone to stew in your own sour juices. I teach myself how to be a detective, and you stay the outcast that no one wants to talk to for the next twenty-five years. Look, what I’m proposing could positively affect your whole life.” Gordo took another sip of water. “Let’s just say I agree. If I do agree, I am in no way admitting that I have a problem. Maybe I like the way things are. If I do this, I would be doing this to help you more than me.” Gus raised an eyebrow. “Whatever makes you sleep better at night.” “Theoretically, if I said yes, what signal would we use?” Gus immediately thought of her Grampy, who had been a huge Peyton Manning fan for many years. “Do you remember quarterback Peyton Manning from the NFL?” Gordo nodded, “Of course, everyone knows him. Why?” “Well, after the huddle, whenever Peyton had to change a play on the fly, right before they hiked the ball, he would yell out, ‘Omaha! Omaha! Omaha!’ to his team as a signal. Whenever you go to ‘Gordo land’, I’ll say the word Omaha.” Gordo ruffled his own already messed up hair. “So, let me recap. I teach you everything I know about being a detective, which is a lot. I am a veritable treasure trove of detective knowledge. I could write books about it. In return, all you have to do is say ‘Omaha’ once in a while to me. Is that about it? Gus shook her head. “Not quite. In order for me, or anyone for that matter to be able to be near you, you have to stop showering in that horrible cologne of yours. For this to work, I insist on a total cologne embargo.” Gordo frowned. “I think that’s a bit much. Plus, you used embargo incorrectly, you dolt. What were you thinking? Since I am a person and not a country, you can’t use embargo in that contex…” Gus blurted, “Omaha! Omaha! Omaha!”, cutting Gordo off in mid sentence. Gordo thought for a moment. Gus saw a look of concentration on his face. Finally, Gordo said, “Okay, okay, fine…Gus. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt me to help you out. After all, you really need me.” Gus reached out and shook Gordo’s hand. She wondered if this was going to be worth the effort.